Take a Pair of Soft Brown Eyes
by horacethepig
Summary: Rex Milligan is providing a second set of his memoirs for The Quibbler. This selection focuses on his fifty year friendship with the Dana girls - including details on a love obvious to everyone bar the happy couple themselves...
1. Chapter 1: The Phantom Horseman

The rights to Rex Milligan belong to the late Anthony Buckeridge. Those to Harry Potter belong to J.K. Rowling. Those to the Dana girls, Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys and others to the Stratemeyer Syndicate. Other rights belong to Marvel Comics, DC Comics/Warner Brothers/Hanna-Barbera, Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz, the BBC, Chelsea Cain, Terrance Dicks, the estates of the late Enid Blyton, the late Charles Addams, the late Malcolm Saville, the late Ian Fleming, the late Peter O'Donnell and more. I own nothing and make claim to the same nothing.

Mid-June 2018, The Dana House, Oak Falls

As I am sure you all know, dear readers, I am now married to a lovely brunette with the most gorgeous pair of soft brown eyes. Louise Milligan nee Dana and her irrepressible blonde sister Jean have been two of my best friends since the mid-1960s. She is the smartest, bravest, most kindly and most loyal woman I have ever met, as well as being by far the most beautiful. Her sister tends to be more adventurous and less scholarly than her elder sister, but is also smart, brave, kind, loyal and beautiful.

Louise and I have adopted a daughter we renamed Harriet Jean Luna Milligan. She is a pretty, lively girl of six, of mixed Haitian, African, French and British ancestry. I love hearing her call me "Daddy".

Since my previous memoirs have been a success, I thought I would tell of how a long friendship would develop into love. This time, not only myself but Louise and Jean shall be providing annotations as necessary.

So, here how a Londoner won the heart of an American sweetheart. As before, these reports were contemporaneous, so the annotations may clarify muggle, historical or American terms or references. So, let's begin at the beginning. _[Boy, are you getting lucky tonight! LM. Marrying you was all the luck I needed. RM. You two are so sweet together! JD.]_

Milton Abbas, Dorset, April 1967

There are few places more delightfully West Country than Milton Abbas. Neat thatched cottages all evenly spaced on either side of a single winding road, it is a vision of beauty.

Nancy Drew had contacted the Paranormal Investigations Bureau from the United States. "A couple of Americans in some place called Milton Abbas…"

George smiled delightedly. "It's in my native Dorset! Beautiful place!"

" _Neat!_ They were excavating near St Catherine's Chapel…"

"Do you have any further information?"

"None. Only that some phantom horseman and steed are chasing them off.

"We would be coming over in a couple of days, but Ned, Frank and I are busy on another case alongside Joe and Iola. I've asked Louise and Jean Dana to join you. They, Doris Harland and Evelyn Starr should be arriving at London Heathrow tomorrow night your time."

"They are still Dana?" Jigger queried. "Weren't they dating…?"

"Louise and Jean parted amicably from Ken Scott and Chris Barton after they graduated from boarding school. Both Ken and Chris were later killed in action at D-Day. Neither Dana has dated since."

"The poor dears!" Penny gasped. "I would go spare if Jon died!" Given that she and Jon are happily married, I can't see them separating in any other way. Plus, that Royal Jelly Honey keeping us young pretty much indefinitely should mean that it'll take something drastic to part them. I'm sure that they have several decades together left to come. _[They celebrate their fifty-third wedding anniversary next week and they are still as madly in love with each other as they were at their wedding. That will be us in nearly fifty-three years, love! RM. I'm sure Louise would have interjected, but she's too busy making out with Rex! JD. We were just kissing, Sis! LM. Your tongue was halfway down his throat, Sis! JD.]_

"As I would if you did, my dear Newpenny," Jon replied. George sighed happily. There's a romantic under that tomboy somewhere! Jigger and I just smiled and helped ourselves to some more ginger beer.

"Well," came Nancy's voice again over the speakerphone, "I'll tell them you are expecting them."

"We are," I assured her. "It sounds like some faked haunting to steal the treasure."

Well, I was right, but it proved to be a more dangerous adventure than I thought…

At Heathrow Airport the following day, we greeted four ladies, all also kept young by the Royal Jelly Honey. Louise Dana is a brunette, tall, slender, pretty and with soft brown eyes. Her sister Jean, just over a year her junior, is a blonde, only slightly shorter than her sister but just as willowy, and with a cheerful manner that is most infectious. Doris Harland is a good-natured blonde and Evelyn Starr a shy brunette. I think that you would like them all.

I wonder what they made of us. George Kirrin is still the tomboy, preferring shirts and trouser suits to blouses and skirts, with her brunette hair in a short boyish cut. Jon Warrender is a lanky beanpole of a man, bespectacled and with untidy fair hair. Penny is a feisty redhead with sparkling grey eyes and a smile so megawatt it could power the national grid for a week. Jigger Johnson is another redhead, short, stocky in build and with a face that is no oil painting. Finally, there's me. I'm dark-haired and tall, with pen and notebook ever present in my hands. _[You omitted handsome! LM. Thank you, my love. RM.]_

"You must be the Paranormal Investigations Bureau," Louise began. "Nancy told us all about you."

"And you still came?!" George quipped.

"It was all good," Jean assured us, with a smile as bright as Penny's. "Nancy thinks very highly of you."

"As we do of her," I noted.

"Nancy said one of you lives somewhere near this Milton Abbey place?" Evelyn asked shyly.

"Milton Abbas," George corrected her, "although Milton Abbey Church and School is nearby. It is a pretty village. Well-worth a visit if you like thatched cottages."

"Neat! Well, are we going straight there?" Jean wanted to know.

"Via our centre at Kirrin Island on the Dorset coast," George noted. "We have some equipment there that might come in useful…"

Kirrin Island has been in George's family for years, as has Kirrin Island on the mainland at Culver Bay opposite. In addition to the old ruined castle, there was now a purpose-built centre for our work. The Famous Five's rumbustious tomboy has grown into a fine chemist, in the same way Jon, the Lone Pine Club's resident walking encyclopaedia has become a top physicist and Jigger, my best friend ever since we started secondary school at eleven, an ace biologist. Penny is here as Jon's wife and I as the team's trusty chronicler. As I sometimes joke with Penny, most of our job is keeping the three with supersonic brains topped up with tea! She always retorts that she is on holiday from her day job as manager of the _Gay Dolphin Hotel_ in Rye Royal, East Sussex, when she joins us (her staff can look after the old family business for a few days). Jon can make his own hot drinks, she adds indignantly.

The four ladies seemed most impressed. George has really made the most of the place, with a fully stocked laboratory, a cosy lounge, a large library, a couple of spacious offices and a kitchen diner, plus bedrooms and all the necessary facilities. As Penny and I kept the ladies topped up with coffee (Penny is a hotelier after all and she loves serving guests), George, Jon and Jigger gathered their equipment. This took some time.

"So, Mr Milligan and Mrs Warrender," Jean began, "your team look professional. I can see why Nancy rates you so highly."

"Firstly, Miss Dana, I'm Penny and this is Rex."

"In which case, I'm Jean and these are Louise, Doris and Evelyn. For one thing, Louise is also a Miss Dana!"

"Thank you, Jean. Secondly, my husband and our other friends were inspired by a team from the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Development. They are scientists and investigators first and foremost. As such, they ensure they are as professional as possible."

"According to Nancy, you are a former teen sleuth and a former school reporter, right?" Doris asked.

"That's right. Penny caught criminals and I recorded how mad school life could be.

"Jon, George and Jigger should be with us shortly…"

"Rex," Louise enquired, "why do you call him _Jigger?!_ Surely his parents didn't…?"

"He has three Christian names with the initials J.I.G. Ever since he started Sheldrake Grammar School with me at eleven, he has been referred to as _Jigger_ or _Jig_.

"British schools have a reputation for daft nicknames. Another old schoolmate with the initials A.B.C. was renamed "Alphabet". We still call him "Alfie" even though the A isn't for Alfred…"

"I see." Louise's tone suggested that she didn't but was willing to accept the explanation.

At that moment, our three brainboxes turned up with backpacks full of equipment that would… Well, I'm the first to admit that I don't have a supersonic brain. My three friends have explained most of their equipment to me several times. They might as well have been speaking in Swahili!

"All ready," George said cheerfully. "I've even packed a picnic hamper. There's cheese and pickle sandwiches, cheese and onion crisps, Dorset apple cake, clotted cream and lashings of ginger beer…"

Our merry band had just arrived at Milton Abbas. As I've said before, it is a lovely village, built by one Joseph Damer (later Lord Milton and subsequently the first Earl of Dorchester) for his tenants between 1773 and 1780. That would have been very good of him if it wasn't for the fact that most of them had previously lived in the nearby town of Middleton. Damer had had this town demolished because it spoilt his view from Milton Abbey. Yes, really. He must have been an odious oik of the highest degree. _[You could do that?! JD. He could then. I doubt he would get away with it now. The Human Rights Act should prevent current squires from behaving in that appalling manner. RM. Quite right too! JD.]_

After a short walk past the thatched cottages and the church of St James, we ascended the hill towards Milton Abbey. Now a public school that costs an arm and a leg to send your children to, it was built as a Gothic Revival manor house for our old friend Joseph Damer on the site of an abbey first founded in 934 by King Athelstan. _[For the benefit of American readers, a public school is a private school and a state school a public one. RM. Why not just call the public schools private ones then? JD.]_ Following the Reformation, the land was sold to Sir John Tregonwell, partly as a favour for being one of Henry VIII's divorce lawyers. _[Anne Boleyn still complains that she would get married to the one man who could have you beheaded for non-existent adultery the day after having the marriage annulled… RM. No wonder she gave me the third degree when we got engaged, darling! The man was a brute! Not that I could ever betray or abandon our love. LM. I know, darling. Thank you. Me neither. RM.]_ The property was subsequently possessed by the Damer and Hasbro families, before eventually becoming the school in the 1950s. The Abbey Church, restored in 1865, serves as the school chapel, whilst being publicly open as a music venue and a tourist attraction. If you find yourself nearby, it is well worth a visit.

Halfway up the slope, however, we diverted eastwards to St Catherine's Chapel. This is surrounded by an ancient earthwork embankment called King Athelstan's Encampment. Apparently, the Anglo-Saxon King gathered his army there before a battle with the invading Danes. That's the local legend anyway.

St Catherine's Chapel is a Norman structure, built around 1190, possibly on the site of an Anglo-Saxon Minster and traditionally on a spot where King Athelstan had his vision of victory over the Danes the following day. Something of a family tradition that, as his grandfather was King Alfred the Great. At any rate, the chapel itself is a stone building with Norman arches and medieval tiles probably left over from an abbey restoration and recycled for the chapel.

George had brought her beloved dog Timothy with her and Jigger his monkey Ranji. The rest of the latter's menagerie of dogs, cats, rodents, fish and birds of all varieties were left in the care of our old friend from Sheldrake Boko Phipps. Good chap, Boko. You can trust him with your live – and those of your pets, more to the point.

"Ah, you must be those people Nancy Drew was sending," said a tall man, so skinny that you could practically see his bone structure and wearing a monocle. "I'm Professor William Harper Littlejohn…"

"Doctor Savage's long-term aide?" I enquired. "Why not call your friends in? I mean, your boss was a pupil of Sherlock Holmes and Craig Kennedy."

"Nancy's father Carson was an esteemed associate of Ham Brooks," replied the man universally known as Johnny of Doc Savage's Fabulous Five. Not to be confused with the Famous Five, which of course is George, her three cousins and Timothy the dog. "My legally-minded colleague volunteered to open an exchange of communications to ascertain if the aforementioned investigator would be available to pursue this vexatious series of incidents. Since she was engaged in matters of greater urgency, she endeavoured to procure substitutes of proven competence and integrity to undertake enquiries on her behalf.

"All of you assembled here at this current chronological instance are thus delegates on Miss Drew's behalf. Hopefully, her estimations are grounded on an assessment of the statistical probability of the matter being resolved to our mutual satisfaction. I shall endeavour to expostulate the particulars of…"

" _Holy cow, Johnny!_ " boomed a hearty loudhailer of a voice that reminded me of the Frizzer, our old modern languages master from Sheldrake Grammar. The figure that emerged was also like the Frizzer in being a giant of a chap with massive fists. Unlike my old teacher, however, he had a decidedly glum expression, no handlebar moustache and an American accent. "You don't have to test them with your long words!"

"Thank you, Renny," replied Professor Littlejohn rather testily. Our new arrival was obviously Colonel John "Renny" Renwick, another of the Fabulous Five. The professor is a wizard archaeologist and anthropologist, whilst the colonel is just about the best construction engineer money can buy. _[In this context, "wizard" means "superb" and not "mage", for the benefit of our wizard in both senses readers. RM.]_

"Colonel Renwick," Jon asked politely, "perhaps you can clarify exactly what the situation is that your colleague was about to describe to us? After all, Nancy's father was a close acquaintance of your old associate Brigadier General Theodore Marley Brooks, presumably from their legal careers. Professor Littlejohn was expressing a hope that we lived up to Nancy's belief in our abilities in her absence on graver matters." Trust Jon to be able to follow the torrents of florid verbiage the professor is famous for! _["Torrents of florid verbiage"?! JD. Now, Jean… LM. Sorry, Sis, Bro. JD. Don't mention it, Sis. Professor Littlejohn must have influenced me more than I thought. It also sounded better than "several long words" … RM.]_

The giant engineer gave a great bellow of a laugh, reminding me again of the Frizzer. "Johnny and I were sent by Doc to investigate rumours of a team of treasure hunters being scared off by a phantom horse and rider. We have seen these spectres, with the rider wearing attire that Johnny dates to about the tenth century AD..."

"The time of King Athelstan," Jon noted, "which would fit with the area's history. Given the reputation of Professor Littlejohn and yourself, Colonel Renwick, this must be something more than a chap and his steed in phosphoric paint?"

"Both my celebrated colleague and myself have conducted a comprehensive investigation of this hill with the principle objective of unearthing any interventions stemming from malicious intent."

"Fair enough, Professor. Well, let's see…"

Jon was cut off by the sight of a luminous glowing grey-white _something_ moving at speed nearby. The spectral form seemed to be a man in primitive chainmail seated atop a warhorse. After a minute at the most, the vision vanished.

Louise looked in the direction the vision had first appeared in. "If someone faked that, they must be nearby still. Let's have a look! Coming, Sis?"

Jean agreed. Penny, Evelyn, Doris and I decided to join them. George, Jon and Jigger could set up their equipment and have all the lengthy scientific discourse they could want without us getting in the way.

"Do you think we'll find anything?" Evelyn asked. "I mean, those two are…"

"An engineer and an anthropologist, not detectives," Jean answered brightly.

"I don't know, Jean," Louise demurred. "The exploits of Doctor Savage and his men are celebrated for a reason.

"Rex, Penny, do _you_ think we'll find something?"

"Well, we are heading away from both school and village," I noted. "I believe that there are some…

"Penny, what is that light just over there?"

"It is a movie projector," Jean answered instead, reaching it first. "One that is pointed at the chapel!"

"There is a cable running in the direction of yonder farmstead," I added.

"Let's go and have a look," Louise finished. "Aren't adventures grand?!"

"At this rate, this one won't last until supper," Penny noted.

We reached the farmstead. The cable led towards an old barn. Since the coast appeared to be clear, we all entered the barn. The floor was covered in hay and there was evidence of a horse having been kept there until recently, as well as an old generator that the cable was plugged into.

Jean saw a ladder up to a hayloft. "I wonder if they keep anything up there? I'll go up…"

"I should go first…"

"You aren't trying to protect us are you Rex?" Evelyn demanded. "We have proved ourselves…"

" _Petrified Paintpots! No!_ You ladies are in skirts. It would be most ungentlemanly for me not to go up the ladder first. I never have this problem with George!" Given George's preferences for shorts or trousers, this never comes up. _[For the record, George doesn't have gender dysphoria. She certainly isn't a lesbian and is due to marry Jupiter Jones in just over a fortnight. RM.]_

Now reassured that I didn't not rate them for being female, they let me go up the ladder first. All I could see was hay at first, but then I spotted something under it. " _Fossilised Fishhooks!_ Ladies, I've found something!"

"What is it, Rex?" Penny asked, climbing into the hayloft.

"Several packets of cigarettes, all with foreign labels. Smuggled, I would imagine.

"If there is to be a major dig nearby, their operation could be in jeopardy…"

" _We have a mystery solved, Rex! Before our three boffins have their equipment out, too!_ "

Our four new friends had joined us. Louise and Jean agreed that our solution had the case solved.

At that point, our luck changed. The sound of a large engine was heard, followed by voices sounding through the skylight. " _'Ere, there be signs of new people at the dig. We must scare 'em off! Prepare the projector…_ "

A dog barked. "Something 'as Bonny Lass spooked. What be a-doing? _We 'ad better get the stuff from upstairs…_ "

As footsteps entered the barn, Louise, Evelyn and I pulled up the ladder. " _'Ere, there be people up in the loft! What do we do now?_ "

"Bolt the door and burn the place down! We'll cut our losses! With the death penalty suspended, we won't swing for murder if we are caught." _[The death penalty for murder was suspended in 1965 and abolished in 1969. Admittedly he would have been facing an automatic life sentence. It would have been some years at least before he saw daylight again. I don't think it would have been worth it. Mind you, I'm rather biased in that I now regard all five of the ladies as my family. Louise and Jean of course are my family. The former has a ring and plenty of paperwork to prove it. RM. I can speak for Penny, Doris and Evelyn as well as Jean in saying we all feel the same about you, my darling. LM.]_ The barn doors slammed shut and we heard a bolt slide into position, with a distinct smell of burning petrol following soon thereafter. The engine roared into life again, before fading into the distance.

"We need to get out of here!" Doris gasped. "Quickly!"

"Funnily enough, _getting burned alive_ wasn't on my to-do list either," Penny snapped.

"Arguing isn't helping," Louise noted. "Any ideas?"

"The fire seems to be at the front of the barn from the smell. Shall we climb out of the skylight and see if we can find a means of descent?"

"Capital, Rex!" Penny beamed. "Lead the way! For all your protests, you _do have the supersonic brain when you need it!_ "

I clambered out onto the roof, before extending a hand to help Louise out. She did the same for Jean in her turn. Once we were all out, Penny spotted a haystack behind the barn. The five ladies took it in turn to leap into it, before I followed their example.

A familiar joyous bark sounded as we walked back towards the camp. Timmy led George and Jon to meet us. Once Jon and Penny had finally finished kissing, we told them what had happened.

Shortly afterwards, the whole party of us arrived at the farmstead. We had of course found a phone box in the village, dialled "999" and asked for the fire brigade. They would be arriving shortly to put out the fire. Colonel Renwick performed his party trick of smashing in the panels of the front door of the main farmhouse with his bare hands. The man has fists like battering rams! Remind me not to anger him.

"We need to look for any clues that they may have left to where they might be now," Louise said. "I want these smugglers caught. They seem capable of anything."

Jon quickly found an old map in a back room. It showed what seemed to be the smugglers' distribution route. We packed ourselves into Jon's, George's and Jigger's cars and the one Colonel Renwick and Professor Littlejohn had rented and headed off towards Culver Bay. A small cottage (ironically, a short walk from Kirrin Cottage) seemed to be important, so we headed there.

The cottage had a large lorry parked nearby. Louise and I volunteered to try the door to see if anyone answered. We went up the path towards the cottage together, Louise surprisingly taking my arm. Once we reached the front door, I rang the doorbell.

"What do you want?" growled a gruff voice from within. It sounded exactly like the chap who ordered the burning of the barn earlier. We had clearly found our smugglers!

"Our car broke down nearby," I said. "We wondered if we could use your telephone…?"

The door opened, and a tall, muscular chap came out. His clothes stank of petrol. What a surprise!

"No! There is another cottage over there…"

"That's a shame," Louise noted. "We were caught in a barn fire a little while ago, near Milton Abbas. It hasn't been our lucky day…"

" _Fossilised Fishhooks!_ Louise, get down!" I had spotted the man reaching into his pocket quickly. Not sure what he was reaching for, I dived down, pulling Louise with me. A bullet went over our heads by half-an-inch at most! The man collapsed unconscious, Professor Littlejohn firing a tranquilliser called a "mercy bullet" from a rapid-fire automatic pistol, both items designed and built by Dr Savage himself. The man doesn't approve of his aids using lethal weapons. As I helped Louise to her feet, the rest of our party came running up.

"Sorry about that," I apologised. "I saw him reach for his pocket. Not knowing what…"

"Never apologise for preventing me getting shot, Rex!" she smiled in reply. As she looked at me, I saw into those beautiful brown eyes and felt a sudden feeling of connection with my new friend. _[And that I now believe is the moment that I lost my heart to Louise Dana. RM. I believe I fell in love with you at that exact same second. LM. Aww! JD.]_

We joined our friends in the cottage. With Colonel Renwick charging about like a hyperactive bull and Professor Littlejohn having seeming inexhaustible reserves of strength (many lanky people do; Jon is stronger than he looks too), they quickly mopped up the rest of the smugglers present with little help required from the rest of us. A call to the authorities later, and we were taking a quick boat trip to Kirrin Island for a debrief.

A couple of days later, we were saying goodbye to our new friends at Heathrow. We all agreed that we would keep in touch and try and visit each other whenever we on the other's side of the Atlantic.

"Goodbye, Rex," said Evelyn, shaking my hand firmly. "It was good to meet you. See you again."

"Goodbye, Evelyn."

My farewell to Doris went along similar lines. Jean, however, surprised me by pulling me in for a big hug. "Good to meet you, Rex. See you again soon, I hope!"

There is something irresistibly infectious about being embraced by the irrepressible Jean Dana! A hug from her would make anyone feel cheered. "Likewise. I hope so too! _Bon Voyage!_ " _[Aww, keep him, Sis! JD. I fully intend to, dear. That's why I married him! LM. Another hug would have sufficed, Jean. RM. OK, Rex. Here it is! JD. Thank you. RM.]_

Louise also hugged me tightly, then gave me a soft lingering kiss on the cheek. "Thank you for your quick thinking, Rex. _Au revoir!_ "

" _Au revoir!_ " There is something about Louise Dana that I can't quite put my finger on. You can't help liking those four ladies all the same. _[You know, Sis, it was the look on your face after you had kissed Rex goodbye that made me realise that you were a woman in love. JD. Shame I didn't realise that for over half-a-century… LM. I didn't realise that I was a man in love either, dearest. RM.]_


	2. Chapter 2: The Thing from the Depths

New York, March 1977

" _Jinkies!_ What are you all doing here?!"

Velma Dinkley is a good friend of mine and has been for a few years. I think that you would like her. Jigger rates her one of his dearest friends. She is fond of him too. _[I wasn't the only member of our team unable to spot True Love. George and Jig had fallen in love with Jupiter Jones and Velma Dinkley respectively, obviously so to anyone but them. Both marry their True Loves next month. RM. Good for them! Jupe can be a bit pompous but is a good match for George. As for Jigger, Velma and he are besotted with each other. LM.]_

"What are we…? _Fossilised Fishhooks!_ Two teams of mystery solvers with a special interest in the unearthly being in the same place can't be a shock to you, Velma. _Honestly, I ask you…?!_ "

" _Jeepers!_ No, Rex." Velma's best friend Daphne Blake agreed with me. Daphne is a fellow reporter, a tall, pretty redhead. Velma is a short, bespectacled brunette, the textbook picture of a swot. Both are no-longer teen sleuths from the American, also kept young by the Royal Jelly Honey in exchange for doing regular special hush-hush jobs for the American government. A bit like us, only we usually work for the British government.

"Are the rest of Mystery Inc. around?" Jigger asked. Mystery Inc. is based out of Crystal Cove in California and consists of Velma and Daphne, plus Fred Jones, a tall athletic blonde; Norville "Shaggy" Rogers, a tall chap with shaggy brown hair and a wispy goatee beard; and Scooby-Doo, a genetically-modified Great Dane. Scooby can speak a form of English (in which just about every word sounds as if it begins with "R"), walk upright on just his back paws and has opposable digits on his front ones, allowing him to use them as hands. Worthy sorts all, although Fred can be bossy, Daphne is jeopardy-friendly, and Shaggy and Scooby both lack courage. A bit of a handicap in a detective, that. You can't help liking them all though just the same!

"Yes, they are. The men should be here soon."

"Well," said Jon, "Jigger, do you mind liaising with Mystery Inc.? George, can you liaise with the group to our left? Rex, do the same with the group to our right please? Thank you. I'll await the one team that hasn't turned up yet."

George and I walked off. Three men approached from the left. One was, well, he would call himself stocky, but chubby would probably be more accurate, the second tall and athletic and the third wiry and bespectacled.

" _Gleeps_ , fellows!" said the tall man. "I assume Jon wants you to be our liaison, Rex?"

"No, Pete. He asked George. I'm to be the liaison to that team over there…"

"He must have an unascertainable underlying reason for a countercultural distribution of his own group in this matter," opined the chubby one. "I am currently unclear as to his exact motivation…"

" _You would be!_ " the wiry chap sighed.

Jupiter Jones (chubby), Pete Crenshaw and Bob Andrews (wiry) make up the Three Investigators, also a bunch of no longer as youthful as they appear detectives from California, albeit Rocky Beach rather than Crystal Cove. Jupiter is a former child actor turned boffin with a tendency to not use five short words when twenty long ones are available. He is also Fred Jones' second cousin. Pete is a keen athlete. Bob is an expert researcher, and is a fellow journalist, following in his father's footsteps. All three are dependable sorts and good friends of the Bureau.

Leaving George with the Three Investigators, I went over to the right. Four ladies in denim shirts and jeans smiled as I approached. Two blondes and two brunettes, all strikingly pretty.

The vivacious blonde whirlwind that is Jean Dana ran up to embrace me tightly. Tall and slender, she has possibly the sunniest disposition of anyone I have ever met.

Jean's slightly taller, but equally slender, brunette elder sister Louise also hugged me tightly. Quieter and more scholarly than her sibling, she is still far from reserved. Normally the Englishman in me is rather uncomfortable around overt displays of emotion, but there is something about those siblings that just draws you into them. Look, there is nothing remotely _soppy_ about either sister. They both are _feminine_ , very much so, but they are both stout-hearted and adventurous. In a fight, I would gladly have either or both on my side. Louise and Jean are two of my dearest friends.

After the pretty blonde Doris Harland and the shy but ever loyal brunette Evelyn Starr had both come up to greet me warmly, we began chatting amongst ourselves the way old friends do. "Ladies, it is always good to see you all again."

"You too, Rex," Evelyn replied. "I take it the rest of the Bureau is here? We last met up with you all nearly six months ago."

"Yes. Jon is awaiting some unspecified additional team. Jigger is with Mystery Inc and George is with the Three Investigators. _Crystallised Cheesecakes!_ Jon must be hoping Jigger and George will _finally_ get together with Velma and Jupiter respectively."

"That would make sense," Jean agreed. "What do you think his motive was in assigning _you_ to liaise with _us?!_ "

"I don't think he had one, Jean. You lot were the last group left. We ended up together by default."

"In any case, Sis," Louise chimed in, "that would imply that Rex and one of us were in love and didn't realise it. As far as I know, that isn't the case."

I could have sworn that I heard Doris mutter something about " _Blind idiots!_ " but must have been mistaken. _[She did. JD. To be fair, we were! RM. Too true! LM.]_

"At any rate, do you know what this is all about?" I asked. "Jon said something about a sea monster targeting the local ships…"

"That's the rumour, Rex. Some sort of sea dragon is allegedly attacking ships. Frank Hardy asked us and our two sets of Californian chums to investigate the matter.

"Presumably he invited you all as well. I wonder who the other group is?"

"Hopefully, the crew of the _Calico_ are Jon's other group, Jean," I replied. "They have greater resources than any of us. Not to mention a "Get out of jail free" card when it comes to sea monsters…"

With the mysterious additional group not yet arrived, we chartered a vessel. It was decided to have a meeting in the main cargo hold, which had some crates of equipment that could pass as chairs. Jon asked us Brits from the Bureau to sit with our respective American colleagues. Given that chatting to the Dana sisters and their best mates is something that I could happily do for hours, no problem there. Which is unusual for me, because one problem of being educated in an all-male environment when you are an only child is that you don't learn the art of dealing with females. When the women you spend most time with are George Kirrin (an eternal tomboy) and Penny Warrender (always the feisty redhead), it doesn't help. Look, I am fond of them both (as I am of Jigger and Jon), but they are not your typical females. To be fair, the Danas aren't either. Quite the opposite, in fact. They are both great company, despite being the sort of pretty girls that I normally would struggle to talk to at all. Which isn't to say that George and Penny aren't pretty themselves, of course. Both are, even if George would disagree. _[There must have been some girls' schools nearby for you to arrange dances with. LM. There was the Secondary Tech School with boys to play rugby and cricket against. RM. Not quite the same, darling! LM. You never object to the physique I gained on the rugby field, sweetheart! And I can dance. Jon and Penny ensured that George, Jigger and I could all dance well enough in barn or hall. RM. I have no complaints with your dancing or your physique, my love, as you well know. LM.]_

Jon stood up, polished his spectacles and tried in vain to tidy his hair. I don't know why he bothers, to be honest. Neither he nor Penny (back home managing the _Gay Dolphin Hotel_ ) has ever had the slightest effect on it. _[Jon's hair is still rivalling Harry Potter's in the untidiness stakes. Not that either are remotely bothered. Good sorts, both. RM.]_

"We are here because of these rumours of a sea dragon. Ships have certainly been returning to port with obvious signs of fire damage and there has been some photos taken of _this…_ " Jon passed around the room a couple of photographs of a large winged reptile. "The security services called us all in to investigate the matter.

"Our first task is to establish whether this is a fake or not…"

"There must be a rational explanation, Jon," Velma interjected. "Dragons aren't real!" _[That was over twenty years before I met Luna. Velma has been to a dragon reserve since. You should have seen the faces of Shaggy and Scooby when she suggested replacing them with a Chinese Fireball! RM.]_

"The previous occasion when my associates and I were investigating a dragon, it was proven to be a mechanised vehicle originally intended for a horror movie," Jupiter agreed. "It was being repurposed for a bank robbery. Presumably, some criminal intent has led to a realistic imitation in this instance as well."

"Well, whatever it is," Jean commented, " _something is attacking those ships!_ We need to establish what and why."

"Exactly, Jean!" Jon agreed. "I'm going to await our absent friends here at the dock. Jigger, could you and Mystery Inc examine the damaged boats please? George, Rex, could you and our other associates speak to the local sailors about the matter? Thank you."

"Come on, gang!" Fred announced. "It's time to _look for clues…_ "

"Err, Fred…"

"I've brought Scooby Snacks, Shaggy," Velma sighed. These are a type of dog biscuit used to tempt both Shaggy and Scooby into action. Given that both have voracious appetites, this usually works. A simple but effective bribe, that.

" _Right, Relma!_ "

"Has anyone seen the notorious sea dragon?" Jean called cheerfully to some sailors on the docks. "If so, please can you describe what you saw?" There is something about Jean's ebullient nature that has people happy to help her. In a largely male environment, her prettiness probably helps too!

If Jean is happy addressing crowds, her elder sister prefers quietly asking individuals or small groups. In her own way, Louise is also good at charming people into revealing information. She is gorgeous in her own right too. _[You'll find me most charming tonight, love! LM. TMI, Sis! JD. Now, Jean…! LM. Sorry, Sis! JD.]_

For my part, I was amiably chatting to the sailors. I was having success with Caribbean lads, who were only too willing to hear me wax lyrical about Clive Lloyd, Viv Richards, Michael Holding and the rest of the West Indies cricketers who beat England in that Test series last year, before giving me their tales of eldritch sea monsters. At least, the sailors were happy. Doris looked most bemused. I don't think she's a cricket fan. _[None of us are! JD. I don't think it ever took off in the States. It's too subtle! RM. Too slow, you mean! JD.]_

At any rate, when pooling stories with George, Jupiter, Pete and Bob later, a common set of events began to emerge. One or more ships stray into an area that starts about fifty miles south-east from the tip of Long Island and are attacked by a mysterious flying winged reptile, apparently equally at home under the water as in the air. Presumably the dragon or whatever it is must be highly territorial.

"Nothing is taken from the ships," Bob observed, "so it isn't a theft. Most of the boats aren't owned by the same people, so it can't be insurance fraud either."

"Whilst the obvious motivation for this baffling nautical skulduggery is not immediately apparent, that must be because of some factor or factors of which we are currently unaware, fellows."

"Fair enough," Doris agreed with Jupiter. "So, how do we find out?"

"We take our chartered vessel out there," Jean suggested brightly. "Hopefully, we get attacked by the dragon. Then we shall have first-hand experience.

"So far, all it has done is damage ships and not directly hurt people. We should all be safe on our latest adventure!"

Jean was correct in her reading of the evidence, but sadly her confidence in our safety was misplaced…

"Did you find any clues, Jigger?" I asked my old friend. We were back in the cargo hold of the chartered vessel, with Jigger and Mystery Inc having met back up with us. Well, obviously. I wouldn't have been able to ask him anything otherwise!

"Velma and I found traces of an unexplained metallic alloy in the damage supposedly inflicted on the ships by the mysterious creature's claws. That would suggest either someone is fitting a dragon with prosthetic limbs or it is faked. My money is on the latter.

"We still can't find out a motive, though, Rex. Going out to see if we can meet up with it is our only hope of finding a motive – and the perpetrators!"

At that point, Jon entered the room, alongside two tall individuals. One was a tall dark-haired man in a smart suit, the other a tall bespectacled woman with her long raven-hair in a ponytail.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the Inter-Agency Defence Command authorised two representatives to join us. These are Director Steve Trevor junior and Senior Agent Diana Prince. Please make them warmly welcome."

Ms Prince came over to join the Danas, Doris, Evelyn and me. "You must be Louise and Jean Dana. I am a great admirer of your work."

"We are indeed, Ms Prince," Jean said with one of her warmest smiles. "Thank you.

"The IADC is supposed to be some new top counter-espionage outfit. It must have been tough getting to the top in that male-dominated business. I am most impressed myself.

"Well, I'm Jean and that's Louise. Our other friends are Doris, Evelyn and Jon's journalist colleague Rex Milligan."

"Pleased to meet you all," Ms Prince responded, flashing a smile as bright as Jean's.

"Now to business! With us on board, it is time to catch you your sea dragon!"

I stepped out onto the section of the deck that had been assigned to Louise, Jean, Doris, Evelyn and myself. _Petrified Paintpots!_ The four ladies were sunbathing.

Now, no jokes please! We do get the sun in London. Certainly, way out in the suburbs where I have always lived, it is a common sight. And yes, I have seen women in bathing suits at the local swimming pool or when visiting George or Jon and Penny on the South Coast. Generally, however, they wear conservative one-pieces. Evelyn was in a somewhat less conservative one-piece and the other three were in bikinis. Not particularly skimpy ones as it happened, but it took every ounce of courtliness in me to focus on their faces. All four of the ladies are amongst the most beautiful I have ever met. Seeing George or Penny (as gorgeous as both are) in a conservative one-piece was no preparation for the sight before me. _What was I supposed to do now?!_

"Err, sorry, my friends. I didn't realise that you were, err…"

" _Catching the rays?!_ " Louise offered. "Don't worry, Rex. We knew there was a chance that you would see us."

"Congratulations, by the way," Jean added. "You only saw us for a few seconds before announcing your presence. And you have been looking us in the eyes throughout too! As we suspected, you are the perfect gentleman." _[You've seen us in skimpier bikinis since, Rex, and still maintained eye contact! JD. Since our marriage, he's regularly seen me in absolutely nothing, Sis! LM. Harriet might be reading this someday, darling… RM. Harriet darling, your Mommy and Daddy have a perfectly healthy active sex life. LM. You'll give her a complex, Sis! JD. Harriet's six, not sixteen, my love! RM.]_

Was this a test of some sort? I shall never understand the workings of the female mind! _[You do much better than you think, Rex. It wasn't a test, though if it was, you would have passed comfortably. JD. True! And you always seem to know what I want in the bedroom, darling… LM. TMI, Sis! JD. That should stay in the bedroom, dearest! RM.]_

"At any rate, ladies, I'll leave you all to it. I'm sure you value your privacy…"

As I left, I heard Jean say something about "Brits being too noble for their own good". What the deuce could she mean? _[I was hoping to get you into swim shorts and alongside Louise. Then – to find some way of getting the two of you together at last! JD.]_

As our trusty vessel entered the danger area, we were all called together for a meeting on the main deck. This time, the Danas, Evelyn and Doris were back in denim shirts and jeans, which meant I felt considerably less flustered. _[Not that I get flustered around a scantily-dressed Louise now, obviously. Instead I bless that lucky day we got together! RM. Me too, my darling! Particularly if you are also in little or nothing… LM.]_

There was, however, something even more concerning on the deck. There was some prefabricated death-trap of ropes, cables, netting, pulleys and goodness only knows what else. Fred Jones has set up one of his patented traps!

"My good cousin, this artifice looks inherently unstable…" Jupiter began. He needn't have bothered. Whilst Jupiter was able to make all sorts of handy gadgets that worked from some scrap from his Uncle and Aunt's salvage yard, Fred was to setting traps what my old friend from Sheldrake J.O. Stagg was to science. Staggers never stopped himself inventing unworkable gadgets. Fred likewise never let the fact his traps always seemed to catch just about everyone _bar the criminals_ stop him from setting one.

"I assure you that I am as capable with my hands as you are, Jupe!" Fred fired back crossly. The man is delusional, quite frankly.

"So," I asked Daphne, "which areas of the deck should I particularly avoid? Your fiancé seems to be up to his usual tricks." _[Daphne and Fred have been engaged for over forty years now. No wedding date has ever been announced. Velma and Jigger have been engaged since March this year and tie the knot in just over a month… RM.]_

" _All of it!_ " she muttered in fond exasperation.

"Now Shaggy, Scoob," Fred continued, warming to his theme, "the two of you stand there. If you see the dragon, run towards that tripwire and release the various nets. Then we _see who this villain really is…_ "

"We don't have any suspects yet," Velma pointed out sharply. "It could be anyone!

"In any case, that dragon is clearly not some guy in a Halloween costume, Fred. This might require a change from our usual methods…"

"Mystery Inc does not change its methods!"

"Now, can I suggest someone else runs into the tripwire? It must be someone else's turn by now!"

"Right, Raggy!"

"I've got some Scooby Snacks," Velma promised. "Now, get to work!"

At that moment, the dragon or whatever it was swooped down from the skies towards us. And that was then things went horribly wrong!

Shaggy and Scooby ran into the tripwire, sending a rope directly into the path of Velma, who tripped over it. " _My glasses! I can't see without my glasses!_ " Jigger helped her up and retrieved her fallen spectacles. "Thanks, Jigger. I owe you one!"

As nets landed on everyone bar the dragon, except for Agent Prince, who seemed to be backing away from the carnage and looking for a hiding place, Louise got caught in a mesh net that was being swept across the deck. I went to assist but caught myself entangled into it with her. As the dragon rose up into the air, the ropes to our net got caught arounds its back legs and Louise and I were swept up into the skies.

" _When I get my hands on that prehistoric ruin of an addle-pated clodpoll Fred Jones…!_ " I muttered to Louise. "Why do these roof-level disasters always choose _us_ to happen to?!"

"This isn't ideal, no. Still, this is an adventure, Rex. _Isn't it grand?!_ "

"Err, ask me again when we are _not_ being dragged through the skies by a genuine or otherwise dragon! Still, at least I have good company for the ride.

"Why did you stop?"

"Stop _what_ , Rex?!"

"Crossing yourself. I don't care that you are all Roman Catholics, Louise. Sheldrake's chapel may have been Church of England, but it was Broad Church in the best sense of the term. Catholic, Protestant, Jew, Muslim, Pagan or Agnostic, I don't care what beliefs you hold. I take you as I find you, whatever you believe or practice.

"You mentioned Starhurst had a chapel, in which you and Jean sang in the choir. A choir that sings at _Vespers_ and not _Compline_ would be in a Catholic or Orthodox chapel, not an Anglican or Methodist one.

"The Lone Piners are rather more devout Protestants than me. Their golden rule of _Always be true to each other whatever happens_ governs the way they treat everybody, Catholics, Jews or whatever alike. Whatever you may have heard about British Anti-Catholicism, we aren't bigots.

"Some High Anglicans cross themselves anyway, Louise. I'm used to it."

"I never thought that you were a bigot, Rex. Far from it! I just wanted you to feel comfortable."

"Just be yourself, Louise. I know that I'll always feel at ease in your presence."

"I feel safe in yours, Rex." As far as we both could, entangled in the mesh as we were, we embraced tightly. "There is something about you…"

Before Louise could elaborate, something caught my eye. It seemed to be a tall brunette woman in red, white, blue and gold flying what appeared to be an invisible plane. "Look over there, Louise. Can you see…"

" _Wonder Woman?!_ What is she doing here? I'm glad to see her though, Rex!"

" _Fossilised Fishhooks! Who is Wonder Woman?_ "

"A superpowered lady, supposedly an Amazon warrior. She first appeared in the War, before suddenly showing up again a few months back. Very strong and yet very pretty, she has an Invisible Jet, a lasso that compels anyone caught in it to tell the truth, bracelets that can deflect bullets and other useful items. Jean and I have always wanted to meet her. This adventure is turning out to be _wonderful!_ "

By this time, the Invisible Jet was directly underneath us. Wonder Woman seemed to be wearing a one-piece swimming costume, knee-high boots, large bracelets, a thick belt and a tiara. She threw the latter item into the air. It sliced through the netting sending Louise and me falling into one of her arms whilst she caught her tiara in her other hand. Now, Louise is slim, but tall and I am tall and about the average weight for my height. Wonder Woman is indeed preternaturally strong!

"Are you both alright?" she asked, in an exotically-tinged American accent. "My friend Diana Prince contacted me and said that you needed help."

"Yes, thank you, Wonder Woman. My sister and I are huge admirers of your work. It is an honour to meet you."

"Likewise, Ms Dana. Meanwhile, that dragon appears to be landing on that oil platform over there…"

"There isn't any oil platform that we know of around here…"

"Well no. There is, however, a sea monster to keep the authorities away."

"Well deduced, Mr Milligan.

"Stay here, both of you. Time to get to work!"

At this, Wonder Woman half-jumped, half-flew down to the platform. She deflected the fiery breath of the dragon with her _hoplon_ shield, before clashing her bracelets together into an "X" shaped block, before flinging her arms apart. The resulting shockwave sent the dragon crashing into the platform's main tower. The now-obviously metal monster collapsed into a heap, sparking madly.

After a moment or two of shocked silence, several roughnecks on the platform produced firearms and started shooting at Wonder Woman. She moved her arms in a blur and deflected the bullets with her bracelets. Then she drew her sword, crouched behind her _hoplon_ and charged straight at the ruffians. Soon her foes were bouncing off her shield in all directions. A few stragglers were whacked with the flat of her sword and the battle was over.

Wonder Woman took Louise and me back to the chartered vessel in her Invisible Jet. When we were back on the deck, Louise was swamped under Jean, Doris and Evelyn. I was surprised to be hit by a brunette missile named George Kirrin, pulling me in for a bear hug and not the usual one-armed effort. Then first Jigger and then Jon did the same. That was unlike them. Still, I felt that the four of us and Penny kind of belong together now. _[They, Louise, Jean, Harriet, Doris, Evelyn, the Scamanders, the Potters, Zelena Mills and many more are my family now. I love them all dearly. Obviously, Louise, Jean and Harriet are family by marriage and adoption as well as love. RM.]_

"Wonder Woman," Louise asked politely, "can my sister and I have your autograph please?"

"Of course," the superheroine replied, taking the proffered pen and paper. "I would like both of yours in return though!

"Now, I must be getting back. Please give my regards to Agent Prince. Goodbye!" "Goodbye!" we all replied. She then returned to the Invisible Jet and took to the skies.

"That reminds me," Director Trevor noted, "we haven't seen Diana since she disappeared off to call Wonder Woman. I wonder…"

"Oh, hi Steve!" Agent Prince called, as she emerged onto the deck. "What have I missed…?"

Well, that was a story… _[Wonder Woman disappeared back to Themyscira a few years later, returning to the fight a decade or so ago. She is of course the close friend and mentor of Wonder Witch and her Furies, Wizard Britain's own superheroes. More to the point, she also was the registrar at our wedding. RM. Yes, most Catholic and Protestant clergy would tend to ask why Rex and I look far too young for our actual ages. LM. It was a beautiful wedding. I hope Linda and mine's is as good. JD. You intend to marry Linda Craig then? LM. Very much so! Hence the ring on the third finger of my left hand… JD. Ooh, it's beautiful, Sis! Congratulations! LM. Congratulations, Sis. We must have the Craig siblings come over one day next week for an engagement party… RM. Aww! Thank you both! Family hug! JD. Harriet? Come here, darling. Your Auntie Jean has some great news! LM.]_


	3. Chapter 3: Opera and Rhymes

October 1989

"Hello Rex," Jean Dana cried, pulling me into a tight hug as I came through the Airport Arrivals lounge, before passing me over to her elder sister Louise, who likewise embraced me heartily. "It is so good of you to come."

"Good to see you both again.

"You wanted me to come to report on the reopening of an old opera house near your old school. I'm always willing to help but wouldn't one of my American counterparts have been less of a faff to bring over?"

"Possibly, but Penny's on holiday with Jerry and their kids, Ken's on assignment in Hawaii and Bob and Daphne are with their respective teams investigating some haunted house in California." _[Penny isn't Penny Warrender, but Penny Livingston nee Parker. Both she and Ken Holt are former young reporters and sleuths from the States. If you've read the previous chapter, you already know who Bob Andrews and Daphne Blake are. RM.]_

"Louise is right," Jean chimed in. "Everyone this end is busy.

"The two of us haven't seen you in a few months. We get a trusted reporter _and h_ a _ve you to stay with us!_ Also, we need an escort for the opening. You get to double-date the Dana girls, Rex! Most men would kill to be in your position!"

"I'm flattered, ladies." Who wouldn't be? Louise, a tall and slender dark brunette with beautiful soft brown eyes, and her only slightly shorter blonde sister are the prettiest girls I've ever met. _[My sister has just pulled my brother-in-law in for the most passionate kiss they have ever shared. JD. You should see us in the bedroom, dear! LM. I'm all for spectator sports, darling, but us making love isn't one… RM. Seeing my sister having sex would be just – no! JD.]_

This should be fun. I do a feature piece and spend time with a couple at least of my dearest friends. Simple, yes? Well, read on…

We arrived at the Dana House at Oak Falls. I've stayed here before but was surprised when they led me to an office. "This used to be our father's and then Uncle Ned's study," Louise explained. "Did we ever tell you about the business of the haunting of Mozart Hall at Penfield? That was during my senior and Jean's junior year at Starhurst School for Girls. Well, there are some old photos over there."

I went to the wall Louise had pointed at. There was a photograph of Jean at about sixteen in a period velvet-and-lace dress and a seventeen-year-old Louise in cloak, smoking jacket, ruffled shirt, breeches and tights. I thought George looked pretty in boyish costume (and she is a pretty girl, no question), but Louise was drop-dead gorgeous as usual.

Whilst I was there, I saw a photograph of Louise with a tall thin fair-haired youth and Jean with a shorter dark-haired man with a mischievous grin. "Yes," Jean said sadly, "those are our old boyfriends Ken Scott and Chris Barton." Ken and Chris were both killed on D-Day, sometime after they parted amicably from the Dana siblings.

"I'm sorry…"

"Thank you, Rex, but not necessary. _You_ didn't kill them or cause our break-ups!

"It hurts to think of them sometimes, but we concentrate on the good times mainly.

"Do you have any ex-girlfriends, Rex? If so, you also know heartbreak."

"I tried dating a few times at university. Nothing ever went beyond a trip to the pictures or the theatre and a half of shandy apiece.

"I guess you never miss what you never had, but sometimes… Jon and Penny are so happy together that I wonder what it would be like with a Mrs Milligan to share my life with. Ken looks a lot like Jon, actually, only without spectacles and with tidy hair."

"Physically, perhaps," Louise agreed softly, "and both are quiet and scholarly. That said, in many ways, you combine the best aspects of both him and Chris. You have the latter's keen sense of humour and amiable manner, but the former's solid dependability and absolute loyalty. In fact, no man reminds me more of how I felt…"

At that point, she fell into my arms, weeping softly, whether for her lost love or for something else neither she, Jean nor I could fully tell. "Neither of you understand it yet, but one day, I hope you both will," Jean said enigmatically. "You have something of Louise's in full, but Ken had only in part…" What could she mean? _Honestly, I ask you…?_ _[Now there is a Mrs Milligan and we both do understand that you meant her heart. RM. And how does it feel? JD. Wonderful! RM. And I thought that I knew love with Ken, but I know True Love with Rex. LM.]_

When Louise had recomposed herself, the sisters reminded me of the affair of the ghost in the gallery. The Mozart Hall was an opera house in nearby Penfield, where the Dana's were pupils at boarding school. One year, they were putting on a musical with songs written by the students. Jean and Louise wrote and sang a song called "We're All Mysterious", which was stolen, the opera house was plagued by a mysterious ghost in the gallery and the then owner's long-stolen jewels were recovered. Oh, and the girls had a hit song with "We're All Mysterious". Typical few weeks for them really.

"Ever thought of swapping crime for the musical stage?" I teased. "Singers, songwriters, actresses, sleuths, adventurers and more. Is there no end to your talents?"

"Did you do musicals at Sheldrake?"

"No. We did do straight dramas. Mr Frisby produced a Shakespeare play each Christmas. I was once Ariel in The Tempest. Jigger was Caliban, Boko Prospero and so on. That was fun!

"I suggested that Jigger bring Ranji as a distant cousin of Caliban's. However, our simian friend had only just been rescued from a cruel organ-grinder and was terrified of noises. So, when rehearsing the storm scene, he ran off. We ended up chasing him through our suburb of London in full costume. Goodness only knows what they made of Jigger dressed as a moth-eaten fugitive from the Natural History Museum, Rip Van Boko looking several decades older than Methuselah and me in luminous paint, swimming trunks, fairy wings and a tartan rug to keep me warm backstage. _[Typical week for us too! RM. How old were you then? LM. About fourteen. Why? RM. Could you give me a private showing in similar costume…? It could be most inspiring now that you are a grown man… LM. If you are willing to dress in that late seventeenth-century drag for me now that you are a grown woman, I'll consider it. RM. Deal! LM. Kinky! JD.]_

"On the plus side, we single-handedly boosted ticket sales with free publicity. As always, everything just about worked out in the end."

"Opening night is still a week away," Louise explained, as we visited the Mozart Hall the following day. "We wanted to have a look around. Isn't it beautiful?"

"It looks very well refurbished, from the outside at least," I agreed. "Someone did themselves proud."

"That would be me, Rex!" called a familiar voice. Evelyn Starr and Doris Harland were the Dana sisters' best friends from their school days. Evelyn, who had spoken, idly brushed some dust from Doris' lapel and stood up from where they were kneeling. The girls had been gardening. "Mrs Mulford Merrill left this place and all her wealth to me, some of which I used to restore this place.

"We are hosting an opera gala next week. That should relaunch the place nicely.

"You said that you had nabbed a top journalist, Jean. I wasn't expecting Rex. Good to see you, though, Rex!"

"Likewise, Evelyn. I'm always happy to help out old friends," I said, embracing Doris and her in turn. "I get to run an exclusive story and escort Louise and Jean to a grand night out. That is well worth a trip to the States…" I thought I spotted a familiar form out of the corner of my eye, but when I looked properly, I couldn't see him. " _Funny…_ "

"What's up, Rex?" Jean asked hopefully. "Any chance of an adventure?"

"Possibly, Jean. I could have sworn that I had just seen a friend of mine." _If so, what is Jason Blood doing in Penfield?_

I was soon to find out. Once again, evil had come to the Mozart Hall…

The five of us walked up to the Mozart Hall, which Evelyn unlocked and led us inside. The girls pointed out the "MOZART" spelt out in gilt lettering on the frieze above the stage. Louise had found the stolen jewels in a space concealed behind the "Z". They also took me to the third-floor gallery, where the faked haunting had been staged. Jean pressed on an elaborately carved rosebud in the wall and a nearby section of panelling slid open to reveal a circular stairway. "That leads to the attic above the stage the villains used to fake the haunting," she said.

"We haven't cleaned in here yet," Doris admitted, flicking some dust from Evelyn's shoulder. "Louise can show you the attic, Rex, and Jean can stay in the gallery to ensure you don't get sealed in, as she and Louise were during our previous adventure here.

"Evelyn and I have some stuff to do on the stage shortly, but for now…"

"You both want some time alone together," I guessed. The pair looked at me startled, whilst the Danas looked bewildered. "Next time, my dears, don't look lovingly into each other's eyes when brushing dust off each other. It is a reliable indicator of intimacy.

"So, how long have you two been an item? Not long, presumably, as your best friends appeared not yet aware of the relationship. And, no, I don't have any issues with your sexual orientation. You are two of my best mates and always will be. _From Loyalty to Love_ , as my Lone Piner friends would say, is something that develops naturally in our community."

"Well, it started when we stayed with Joe and Iola Hardy in Bayport a couple of months back," Evelyn began. "The four of us got drunk one night – and, well, it ended with a passionate four-way. We all realised that we love each other dearly. When Joe and Iola aren't around, Doris still shares my bed and we make love sometimes.

"Louise, Jean, we wanted to tell you both, we really did, but…"

The Dana siblings at this point pulled Doris and Evelyn into a tight four-way embrace. "If you thought that we would love you both any less, dears, you were mistaken," Louise told them firmly. "Jean and I are both liberals, you know that. Congratulations."

"We must have Joe and Iola for tea one evening," Jean agreed. "We need to give them the _'Don't hurt them or else…'_ talk! More seriously, I'm sure you both won't object to having them stay with you!"

"Definitely not!" Doris grinned back. "Frank, Nancy and Ned know, but given that the three of them are in a threesome themselves, it felt a lot easier.

"You won't include it in your report, will you Rex?"

"Of course not," I promised. _[It wasn't in the original public write-up of the opening gala itself. Doris and Evelyn gave me their permission to publish this previously unpublished account of prior events in The Quibbler, in return for me agreeing to escort them when they marry Joe, Iola and each other in August. Our Amazon Princess has agreed to perform a ceremony under their laws. RM. Will you both escort me at mine and Linda's wedding here at the Dana House in September? Princess Diana is to be our registrar too. JD. We will be honoured, dear! LM. Yes, of course! RM. Thank you, both. JD.]_

Evelyn and Doris left us, and Louise led me up the narrow stairway up to the attic, which was empty, but with a concave grating in the floor. "From here, you can hear everything said on stage. Equally, anything said up here can still be heard perfectly clearly on the stage."

"That would be useful for The Voice from Heaven in _Don Carlos_ or the off-stage trumpet call in _Fidelio_ ," I mused. "I can see its advantages in staging a haunting, too!"

"You are a fellow opera buff, then?"

"I tend to prefer oratorios and cantatas, sacred or secular. They tend to focus more on the _words_ than the _drama_. That said, I like opera, ballet, symphonies, concerti and anything. Sir Thomas Beecham was right. We Brits don't care much for music, but just love the noise it makes!"

Louise giggled. "We Yanks are probably the same," she admitted.

We were about to leave the attic when we heard Doris and Evelyn scream from the stage. Peering through the grille, we saw a massive bipedal demonic creature, notably feline in appearance.

" _Teekl!_ " I hissed, before calling through the grating: "Get off the stage _now_ both of you! This is not a fake!

"We must get downstairs _immediately_ , Louise…"

"Too late!" snapped an insinuatingly malevolent voice from behind us. We turned around to see what looked like a schoolboy with pallid features and thick black hair with hornlike tufts at either side.

"Well, if it isn't _Klarion the Witch-Boy!_ Louise, meet Klarion, a malevolent being from a hell dimension. His familiar, Teekl, is currently menacing Doris and Evelyn.

"Well, Klarion, it has been a while since we first met at Whittington. Still after the secrets of Merlin, or something else?"

"Oh, you were one of those _meddling kids…_?"

"I think you might have us muddled up with another group, but yes. I was indeed one of them.

"You didn't answer my question…?"

"This opera house is a mystical focal point at the intersection of many ley lines. If I can harness those energies, _nothing and nobody can stop me from taking over the world!_ "

He waved his arms and some strange type of yellow energy field in the form of a rune surrounded Louise and me. We were _floated_ down to the third-floor gallery and then over the stage. Jean was quickly encased in an identical energy field and soon hovering over the stage herself. Doris and Evelyn were still on the stage in a tight embrace, menaced by the hulking form of Teekl. Before long, they were also floating high above the stage in a third energy bubble.

"You won't get away with this!" Evelyn yelled. "This is private property and you are trespassers…"

"What are you going to do about it?!" Klarion sneered in return. " _Call the police?! What power can stop me!_ "

"Probably the one standing behind you?" I suggested, this time clearly seeing the tall, powerfully-built man with the distinctive white stripe running through the middle of his thick red hair. "It is always good to see you, Jason!"

" _Ha! Do you think me a fool…?_ "

"I'm pleased to see you too, Rex!" Jason responded in his cheeriest tone. "Good day, Klarion, Teekl. I would say that it was a pleasure, but…"

" _Teekl! Kill him!_ "

"Oh, I was hoping that _he_ wouldn't be needed, but…

 _Gone! Gone! The form of man!_

 _Arise the Demon_ _ **Etrigan!**_ "

As Jason spoke, the sober tweed-clad scholar was enveloped in flames as his voice deepened and his form altered into the massive yellow Etrigan. Clad in his usual kilt and jerkin, he flung Teekl easily into the stalls.

" _Once again, Klarion of malice rare,_

 _Of your demon-cat, take better care!_ "

"Rex, just _what is going on?!_ " Louise demanded from our forcefield prison on high.

"Err, a powerful extra-dimensional warlock and his familiar cat-demon are fighting another demon who usually speaks only in rhyme and can turn into a former Knight of the Round Table over some mystical energy that flows through this opera house. I think that should cover it!"

" _You asked, Sis!_ " muttered Jean from her own floating jailcell.

"Great. How do we stop it?" Evelyn pleaded.

"We hope the rhyming demon wins and frees us," I responded honestly, "unless one of you has an exorcist handy?!"

"I would say that this is just our luck," Doris complained. "Even _we_ have never stumbled into a warlock and a fight between two demons before…"

Meanwhile, Teekl had regained his feet and leapt back onto the stage, where he was getting wrestled into submission by Etrigan. Finally, the feline fiend had taken enough of a pasting and shrunk back into his usual form of a housecat. Once fully transformed, Teekl leapt into Klarion's waiting arms.

The warlock cast some sort of spell that set the curtains alight, before cancelling the spells holding us in the air. As Klarion, Teekl in his arms, disappeared into a portal he had conjured, Etrigan ran around with a speed belying his hulking form and caught us all. He set us down on the floor, before looking at the curtains and intoning:

" _Fire begone! And what is more,_

 _Let all be, as it was before!_

 _Gone now, O Etrigan!_

 _And rise once more the form of man!_ "

The first couplet extinguished the fire and repaired the curtains, whilst the second reverted Etrigan into Jason.

"Thank you – _and thank him_ – for the assistance, Jason. Everyone, may I introduce you to Sir Jason o' the Blood, knight of Camelot. Jason, these are Louise and Jean Dana, Evelyn Starr and Doris Harland. Evelyn is the current proprietor of this fine establishment."

"I'm pleased to meet you all," Jason noted, "but I must be off. Good luck with the grand reopening, Ms Starr." With that, he turned quietly away and left the auditorium.

"That was _weird!_ " Evelyn complained. "And we still have…" She was very effectively silenced by Doris pulling her in for a long and passionate kiss! Jean and Louise sighed happily as the lovebirds kissed. Once it was finally over, the four shared a group hug. I was delighted to be beckoned over to join the embrace.

A week later, I escorted the siblings to the gala. Louise was as stunningly beautiful as ever in her blue ballgown, whilst Jean was also gorgeous in her red one. I was the envy of the Mozart Hall, I reckon. _[You looked most dashing yourself in that tuxedo! LM. And it took you the best part of a further thirty years to get together…! JD.]_

The programme, with many local opera singers happily contributing their efforts to raise money for a local cancer hospital, was a resounding success. Evelyn, acting as compere, was treated to a standing ovation. Well-deserved it was too!

"To finish this concert with a final encore," Evelyn announced, "I would like you to welcome a couple of old friends of mine and of the Mozart Hall. Please welcome Louise and Jean Dana to sing their hit song _We're All Mysterious_ ".

"Did you know about this, Sis?" Louise asked.

"No, Sis. Shall you strangle her, or should I?"

They went on stage, greeted Evelyn kindly enough and, once the orchestra started playing, began to sing together:

" _I can't figure you out,_

 _You can't figure me out,_

 _Both of us so blue-_

 _Till you drop a clue,_

 _I drop a clue,_

 _That we would be true._

 _We have little quarrels,_

 _Such important quarrels,_

 _Can't figure them out-_

 _First you forgive,_

 _Then I forgive,_

 _Wonder what it's all about._

 _You're so mysterious,_

 _I'm so mysterious,_

 _We need a clue or two-_

 _I give a hint,_

 _You give a hint,_

 _No one else will ever do._

 _We smile, and both agree_

 _We've solved a mystery_

 _Old as the stars above-_

 _We're all delirious,_

 _Yet so mysterious,_

 _When we're in love._ " *

Once again, there was a standing ovation, with me chief among the applauding audience. Both the Danas have singing voices as sweet and as beautiful as they are themselves. But something kept my eyes focused on Louise. There is something about our friendship that I can't put my finger on. Perhaps we all _are_ mysterious? Equally, perhaps, I just can _never_ understand females – particularly _that_ one… _[It took us both smelling amortentia in the presence of Luna Scamander. And Jean threatening to lock us both in a closet until we finally kissed immediately afterwards. I guess that was our "clue or two". RM. It was indeed, darling. LM. Aww, cute! JD.]_

AN: Lyrics marked * copied from pages 29 and 30 of the 1983 Sparrow Books printing of "The Ghost in the Gallery" (1955, revised 1975), already Anglicised spellings. The rehearsal of _The Tempest_ Rex referred to was found in _Rex Milligan Holds Forth_ and is as funny as it sounds…


	4. Chapter 4: Spectre on the Thames

London, Early June 1996

London is football crazy this June. The European Championships have come to England. For once, England has a serious chance of winning. _[They lost to Germany on penalties in the semi-finals, as usual. RM.]_ That irritatingly catchy song, _Three Lions on the Shirt_ , is everywhere.

Sheldrake has long been a "rugger" school. We played rugby union and not "association football" (as at "soccer" schools). Part of this was image. For better or for worse, rugby was the "the hooligans' game for gentlemen" and football "the gentlemen's game for hooligans". Rugby and cricket were the proper sports for gentlemen. To this day, football leaves me largely unmoved. Look, I want England to win, of course I do, but that is more out of quiet patriotism than any great love of the "beautiful game".

Dan Robinson, founder of the Baker Street Irregulars, had asked me to visit the converted outbuilding at Old Park House that serves as the team's headquarters. Inspired by the exploits of Sherlock Holmes, (who later turned out to be his great-grandfather!) Dan began the teen sleuths' team in the late 1970s, naming them after the gang of street urchins who helped the Great Detective with some of his cases. Consisting of the tall, slim and dark-haired Dan, the tall stocky fair-haired Jeff Webster, the tall slender blonde Louise Spencer (despite having been married to him for over a decade, fierce women's libber Liz hasn't taken Jeff's surname!), Mickey Denning, and Dan's beloved dog Baskerville, they have sent many an evil-doer to jail. Mickey is a couple of years younger than the others and is short with close-cropped dark hair and large protuberant ears. He was nicknamed "Mickey Mouse" at school for obvious reasons! _[I never knew that, but now you mention it, Mickey does resemble his Disney namesake! JD.]_ Baskerville is large and black but is no threat to anyone not allergic to canine saliva or hair. Very much the gentle giant, he.

On their first case, they had solved an art robbery from the local manor in their suburb of London, Old Park House. They later solved a fake haunting at the same venue. Sir Jasper Ryde, whose family seat it is, later donated them that outbuilding as their headquarters once they had left school and turned professional. Sir Jasper prefers to be known as Jim, thanks to the unfortunate song _Oh Sir Jasper_ that used to be sung by rugby players (we didn't at Sheldrake – it's rather vulgar). _[How does it go, Rex? LM. Oh, Sir Jasper do not touch me. Oh, Sir Jasper do not touch. Oh, Sir Jasper do not. Oh, Sir Jasper do. Oh, Sir Jasper, oh, sir, oh! RM (singing). I see why that_ w _ould put you off being addressed as Sir Jasper! JD (chuckling)]_.

"Hello, Rex!" called another familiar voice, as I waved my pass at the visitors' entrance to the Old Park House grounds. Richard Morton is a Lone Piner, the team of former young sleuths that Jon and Penny are proud members of. Richard, his elder brother David and his twin sister Mary are founder members of the Lone Pine Club, to give their full title. Now a fellow journalist, he lives with his wife Fenella, another Lone Piner. The fair-haired Richard and the dark Romany Fenella are the only Lone Piners based in London.

"Richard! Fenella!" I exclaimed greeting them happily.

"Is this a reporter's convention, then?!" Liz (another journalist-sleuth) asked, arriving with Jeff. "What is Dan up to now?!"

"Good morning everyone," Dan began, appearing from the Irregulars' Headquarters.

"There have been reports of a phantom barge on the Thames, Liz. Now, the Mrs Mulford Merrill Opera Company from the States are doing an operatic gala from a barge near where the sightings took place.

"Could you three journalists cover the forthcoming arrival of the company and the gala?"

"Evelyn Starr runs that company," I noted. "She, Doris, Jean and Louise are all due to arrive in a couple of days to stay with me for a couple of weeks. They get to organise the show and catch up with me. Jigger lives near me and George, Jon and Penny are all coming up.

"It is always good to meet up with the four ladies again…"

" _I'm sure it is!_ " Fenella muttered softly. "Maybe _this_ time my mother's prophecy will come true…"

"Which prophecy was that?" I asked. Fenella's mother Miranda is a Romany fortune-teller, who has shown some genuine precognitive powers. _This might be interesting…_

" _Your friend Rex will find the love that both he and she see not when they get the scent of the philtre._ That was it."

 _Well, I ask you…?!_ " _Petrified Paintpots!_ What love is that? And where do I find a love potion? Boots?! I've never heard such preposterous poppycock…" _[For wizard readers, Boots is a pharmacy, a sort of muggle apothecary. You get various muggle remedies there. RM.]_

"My mother-in-law has been proven right before, Rex. I hope she is this time. We all want you to be happy..."

"I know she has, Richard. My apologies to you both and to her." They both smiled and assured me that no offense was taken. _[Miranda didn't live to see it, but she was proved right once again. Louise and I did finally see the truth when we both smelled a batch of amortentia. By the way, I didn't meet Luna until late 1999. The only mage I knew was Jason Blood, who isn't generally noted as a brewer of love potions. Well, and Etrigan, of course. You would have to be stark raving crackers to ask him for an elixir of love… Oh, I forgot Klarion! Although quite frankly I never wish to remember him… RM. Agreed! LM. Definitely! JD.]_

"Dickie Bird's last test as umpire will be at Lords later this month," Richard noted. "Are you going?"

"Sadly, I couldn't get any tickets booked," I admitted. "Jig, Jon, George and I are watching it on the BBC at my place. You are welcome to join us…"

"Thank you, I will. Fenella, darling, you don't mind…?"

" _I've resigned myself to life as a cricket widow! Of course, love!_ " As with Jon and Penny, it is a shame that the couple have never been blessed with children. They would make great parents! _[Thankfully, the two did have a son, Reuben (named after his maternal grandfather), a couple of years later. He and his fiancée, Princess Athena of Themyscira, are both Lone Piners now themselves. RM.]_

"Now, Dan, about this phantom barge? What do we know…?"

"Only that a transparent luminous barge has been sighted between Putney Bridge and Tower Bridge. There is no legend of a ghostly vessel there that I know of.

"Still, with all of us on the case, it should be a doddle…" _Oh, foolish boy, Dan! If ever a temptation to fate was uttered…_

"So, Rex," George teased, "are you looking forward to having four women around your house for the next fortnight?! Who was the last woman you had to stay?"

" _You! Two weeks ago!_ It's Jigger's turn to put up with your cheekiness," I fired back. We both took the banter as it was intended, in good spirit. George jokes that Jon, Penny, Jigger and I are _her other cousins_ , which is kind of what we feel about each other. Well, Jon and Penny don't regard each other in that way. They are married, after all.

"Well, they should be coming through the Arrivals Gate shortly," Jon announced. He and Penny have long since become used to keeping the rest of the "unruly mob" as they call us in order.

A few minutes later, four beautiful females clad in flowery knee-length summer dresses came through the Gate and rushed up to embrace us.

"Hi Rex!" Jean exclaimed with her typical infectious cheeriness, her hug as warm as always. "I hear there is an adventure in the offering! _This should be fun!_ "

"Hopefully," I agreed amiably. "If nothing else, we investigate a baffling phantasm and hear Evelyn's opera company perform.

"Congratulations on becoming an international impresario, Evelyn!"

"Thanks, Rex," the girl grinned back. Whilst she can still be quite bashful, the ever-loyal woman is no longer quite as shy as she was once. Being in love suits her. She has no hesitation now in reaching for Doris' hand and squeezing it tightly.

"Well, let's head to Rex's to get you lot settled in," Penny said, her hotelier's hat firmly on. "Then we go messing about on the river! Then you get to sing…"

"Hear others sing," Louise corrected her, before fixing a glare at Evelyn. "Neither Jean nor I are going to be singing this time, _are we…?!_ "

Evelyn merely gulped and shook her head firmly.

"It never fails to feel like home," I mused as I drove the Danas and Warrenders towards my house, passing the mix of Georgian, Victorian, Edwardian, post-war and other buildings that made-up Sheldrake Grammar School for Boys. _[Now Sheldrake Academy of Excellence, it is a Comprehensive in all but name. What happened to the noble idea of taking the best of the "poor scholars of the borough" and making them into gentlemen? RM.]_

"It is ironic to hear the one of us who was educated at a state day school also call his school home," Penny noted. The other four in the car were indeed boarders in their youth. Still, it was there that I started reporting and met Jigger, Boko, Staggers and the rest, so I can only look back on the place with affection.

"Personally, I'm amazed the old place is still standing. Boko always says that it is just the thickness of the paint that keeps the walls in place.

"Even in my time, we had to raise a small fortune to keep the Georgian school hall standing…" And we did. OK, so a birdwatcher, a supposed mislaid top-secret document, an asylum seeker and what we originally thought to be an unexploded bomb dropped during the war _somehow_ also got involved, but that's the story of my life…

Early the next morning, we found ourselves at Putney Bridge. Known worldwide as the starting point of the annual University Boat Race, I wore a light blue tie and George a dark blue T-shirt to show our allegiances to Cambridge and Oxford respectively. Jon and Jigger, graduates of Sussex and Edinburgh respectively, were as amused as Penny. "You do know the Boat Race was in the Spring, don't you?" Jon teased.

"I know that, thank you John. George lost a fiver to me for the – how many years is it now?! Four, I think…"

"I won the money for the five years before that," she retorted. _[I won the bet this year, but George the year before. And we take defeats (and losing by modern standards small amounts of cash) in good part. RM.]_

"Well, the barge is supposedly seen over there and proceeds east towards central London," I noted, reading the reports Dan had given me. "Apparently early twentieth-century in design. Translucent and luminous in appearance.

"There aren't any Swallows or Amazons in London, are there? This would be right up their alley – or river…"

"Our Uncle Ned was a ship's captain, Rex," Jean reminded me. "The water is in our blood."

"I know, Jean. It doesn't feel like we need a passenger steamer, but a sailing dinghy for this. Still, you are all perfectly at home on the water."

The nine of us, plus Timmy, Ranji, Richard and Fenella, enjoyed a hearty picnic lunch in Wandsworth Park, just a short walk from Putney Bridge. There was the usual selection of sandwiches, salads, pickles and savouries, all washed down with traditional British soft drinks (Dandelion and Burdock, cloudy lemonade and, of course, lashings of ginger beer). For dessert, there was strawberries and cream.

"We need a plan," Louise proposed. "Do you have any boats handy?"

"Our usual contacts have provided with a couple of motorboats," Jigger noted, "plus a houseboat. If we need to change into swimwear or diving gear, the latter will provide a changing room for each sex. The three of us scientists can keep our equipment there too.

"We can take to the river tonight if you like. In the meantime, I'm sure Rex can keep our American friends entertained for the afternoon."

"Steak and ale pie, mashed potatoes and mushy peas," I announced, "all served for your delectation. I thought that I would omit the jellied eels…"

" _Yuck!_ Thank you for that, Rex," Jean agreed, winkling her nose in horror. "That sounds disgusting!" _[I still can't believe anybody eats those! JD. Me neither! LM.]_

"All served with a fine Shiraz. Bread-and-butter pudding and custard to follow.

" _Bon Appetit!_ "

Whilst I am no great chef, the ladies seemed happy enough. The wine probably helped, as did the conversation.

"So, Evelyn, you were invited to put on an aquatic opera gala to promote the Mrs Mulford Merrill Opera Company's forthcoming European tour, as well as to raise money for charity.

"There must be a vast amount of paperwork in transporting five soloists, chorus and orchestra from the States to London. Not to mention the expense…"

"Mrs Merrill wanted an opera house in Penfield, primarily to host the various touring opera companies that used to be numerous in America. She was a distinguished operatic soprano herself in her younger days, Rex. When she left me the Mozart Hall and the rest of her estate, once I had restored the Hall and founded a repertory opera company, I wanted to have semi-regular national and international tours. The Mozart Hall regular productions make a tidy profit, so I can easily afford the costs. There is still enough profits and interest on the inheritance to keep Doris and I in ballgowns, jewellery and accessories for many years to come.

"Louise and Jean make money from their detective work now that they are professionals. This is a decent-sized house, Rex, and your journalism career must be making some money to afford it."

"The Bureau _does_ make a tidy sum each year," I admitted, "and I earn good money for my articles. I may not have the supersonic brain of our three boffins, but I do know how to make madness readable. That is my gift, ladies, and if like Noel Coward, _all I ever had is just a talent to amuse_ , well, people like to laugh…"

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Rex!" Louise gently chided. "You have street smarts, courage, loyalty and a kind heart. Reminds me of Ken. But then…"

"It is the sixth of June today!" I gasped. " _Fossilised Fishhooks!_ You poor dears…" I got up and placed comforting hand on a shoulder of each Dana sister. "They were killed fifty-two years ago…"

"To the day," Jean agreed. "I think of Chris as a good, funny young man with whom I shared plenty of great dances and a few chaste kisses. Did I love him? Well, I guess so. Do I miss him? Yes. We had split up and he died in action. It's awful, but life goes on.

"Did you lose anyone…?"

"Not that I knew. I was two at the time! Sheldrake _did_ lose a couple of Old Boys in Korea, but both a few years my senior and I never really knew them. I'm lucky, I guess…"

"I've come to terms with what happened," Louise murmured softly, "and, yes, we weren't a couple when he was killed, but _it still hurts_. Jean is right that it was only some great dancing and swimming, and a few quick soft kisses, but he was my only boyfriend. Maybe one day, I'll find another love, but…" _[Find one?! You had found him, Sis, many years before! JD. I know that now, Jean! LM. Me too. RM.]_

"Let's not be too miserable," Doris suggested. "The Ken and Chris I knew would have wanted you both to move on and find happiness and love again."

"That's true," Jean agreed softly.

"But – to business! We have a phantom barge to find…"

"My great-grandad reminded me to look for the rational explanation," Dan commented, the Irregulars having joined us on the houseboat. "If not, then look for the supernatural one. That is why he prefers Tom Carnacki to the other psychic sleuths. He thinks as much like a sleuth as a mystic!"

"We do know how to investigate a possible faked haunting, Dan!" Doris snapped. "You are – what, thirty-five?! We were doing this before your parents were born!"

"Sorry, everyone. I must refer to Sherlock Holmes at least once every adventure. It is like Fred Jones having to set a trap. Some mysterious force compels it…"

" _Wait!_ " Fenella burst in. "There's the phantom barge! What do you think it really is?"

"No unusual drop in temperature," Jon read from his instruments, "nor obvious traces of ectoplasm in the atmosphere. Timmy and Ranji don't look spooked…"

"And there are ripple marks in the water," Louise interrupted. "It's a fake! Now to find out who is behind it…"

For some reason that I was rapidly regretting, the sisters had persuaded me to join them in wetsuits, flippers and scuba gear. They put on their facemasks and inserted their mouthpieces. I sighed and copied them. _Petrified Paintpots! Why do I let myself be talked into these things?! [You love us, Rex! That's why! JD.]_

We dived into the river and swam underwater. Some sort of Perspex shell was attached to the top of a submarine! I saw a distinctive Octopus pattern on the latter and swam back towards our houseboat, beckoning successfully for the Danas to follow me.

As we emerged, the others helped us back into the boat. "Did you find anything," Jeff asked.

" _SPECTRE!_ " I gasped. "Call in MI5 and Special Branch, Dan. This is beyond our competence." _[For wizard readers, MI5 is the Security Service and MI6 the Secret Intelligence Service, the first protecting us from foreign spies and the second spying for us on hostile foreign powers. The Special Branch is a division of the Metropolitan Police that arrests potential spies on behalf of MI5. Sort of top Aurors. RM.]_

" _SPECTRE?!_ " Mickey asked, mockingly. "I thought you said it was a fake…"

" _The Special Executive for Counter-Intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion is not a joke, Mickey!_ Quite the opposite in fact!"

Dan nodded and made the call, as we continued to follow the faked ghostly vessel down the Thames in our own trusty boat.

Suddenly, the "barge" veered off course towards the SIS Building, home of MI6 for the last three years. "It must be a terrorist attack on MI6!" Richard gasped. "Liz, Rex, you will join me in writing something for _The Clarion_ , won't you?" _[The Clarion is a newspaper then edited by James Wilson, an old journalist friend of the Lone Piners, which Richard writes for. Richard is now the editor after James' retirement to spend more time with his wife Judith. RM.]_

"Let's worry about not getting killed first," Liz replied, perfectly reasonably I thought.

A speedboat launched from the building. The tall dark-haired figure at the wheel was an old friend of mine. "They've put their best man on it! The Commander's been beating SPECTRE for decades now…"

As two mini-torpedoes launched from concealed tubes in the prow blew the faked ghost ship to shards and a depth charge from the base sank the submarine, the adventure was over.

Some days later, we were all guests of honour as Evelyn's company staged their gala from a large boat moored just off Tower Bridge. Once again, I found myself escorting both Jean and Louise. Both were as stunning as ever in matching green ballgowns.

Once the final chords of the Grand March and Ballet from _Aida_ had resounded, there was a standing ovation for the cast and impresario. Evelyn was the toast of London Town!

There was a ball the following day. Louise and I were waltzing together. "How does it feel to be best friends with a star impresario?" I asked her, teasingly.

" _Happy!_ She deserves it! Doris and she seemed most happy this morning. Probably connected to the moaning and groaning coming from their bedroom…

"Joe and Iola were trying to come over but had to join Bess Marvin and George Fayne in rescuing Ned, Nancy and Frank from kidnappers. Apparently, the three of them had discovered a notorious gangster in River Heights. You know how Nancy feels about criminals in her home town…"

"Only too well, Louise my dear. _We're all just as bad, though…_ "

She pecked me on the cheek. "That's true! Still, here's to the next adventure!"


	5. Chapter 5: The Great Skunk Ape

_Rancho del Sol, July 2009_

"Howdy, folks! Welcome to South California!" Linda Craig is as constantly cheery as Jean Dana! Think Luna Scamander on energy drinks and – err, less typically Luna in speech-content… _[There can only ever be one Luna in that regard… RM.]_

"Good to see you too, Linda, Bob," I smiled at the siblings. Not that you would know that at first sight. Bob, the elder by a couple of years, is tall, sandy-haired and freckled, the Craig Scottish ancestry very evident. Linda, however, is also tall and slender, but her olive-skin, raven hair and dark eyes reflect their mother's Hispanic genes. The former is a top electrical mechanic, the latter the best horse rider in our community of once-young adventurers. She and her palomino Chica d'Oro (both they and Bob kept young by the Royal Jelly Honey) are a competitive pair in eventing. You can't help liking the three of them.

"Rex is right, of course," Jon agreed, polishing his glasses before making another failed attempt to tidy his fair hair. "It is a pleasure, but you asked for our help. Something about a Great Skunk Ape on the Rancho del Sol?"

The Craigs' parents were killed in an accident when the siblings were in their teens. After that, they had lived with their late maternal grandparents on their hacienda on their ranch, the Rancho del Sol. Linda and Bob later inherited the Ranch. They still live in the hacienda.

"There is a myth about a sort of Southern Bigfoot," Bob began, "particularly prevalent in California. It is supposed to be the usual half-ape, half-man, only with a foul odour accompanying it.

"Sightings were common in the 1960s and 1970s, but most are now believed to be misidentified black bears.

"Then we saw this," he produced a mangled carcass of what I believed was a sheep. "No bear killed this poor critter."

"We wanted Jigger as the best animal-whisperer in the business. Linda and I are good with horses and dogs, but…"

"Jig will have Bigfoot eating out of his hand in a few minutes," I promised. "Did you get anyone else in?"

"Mystery Inc were unavailable, but we did get…"

"Hi everyone!" shouted a distant voice, immediately recognisable as Jean Dana! We turned to see the pretty blonde waving to us, her gorgeous brunette elder sister Louise alongside her.

"Hello," I said, embracing both sisters in turn. "Quite the cowgirls today, I see!"

Louise chuckled. "When in Rome, Rex…!" And whilst Linda and Jean both looked good in checked shirts, skinny jeans, riding boots and Stetsons, Louise was as beautiful as ever. I've seen her in all sorts of attire and she always looks the absolute stunner that she is. She and her sister are two of my most-valued friends.

As Bob updated the Danas on the mysterious sightings, I found a payphone and rang a number Luna had given me for the Magical Congress of the United States of America (MACUSA for short). "I've put in a request for wizard back-up…"

"And got a witch, _mon vieux!_ " came the familiar voice from behind me. Wednesday Friday Addams was on the scene!

"Wednesday!" I laughed happily, as the tall pallid raven-haired monochrome-clad witch pecked me on both cheeks with typical enthusiasm.

"In the flesh, Rex! How is my handsome reporter today?"

"Very well, thank you. And you?"

"All the better for seeing you! What's up?"

"We believe that there might be a Great Skunk Ape preying on the local wildlife.

"Where are my manners? These are Linda and Bob Craig, the owners of this ranch, my friends from the Bureau Jon Warrender, George Kirrin and Jigger Johnson and my close friends Louise and Jean Dana. Everyone, this is Wednesday Addams, one of the best American Aurors. She's a sort of wizard cop," I translated for the benefit of the Danas and Craigs, none of whom had our experience of dealing with mages.

"I'm pleased to meet you," George said, shaking Wednesday's hand. "Rex has told me all about you. You are an old friend of Harry and Ginny's, yes?!"

"That's me!"

"Daughter of the wealthy lawyer and entrepreneur Gomez Addams and his socialite wife Morticia, you have an elder brother and fellow Auror named Pugsley. According to Rex, you are an ultra-goth and an incorrigible flirt," Jon recited from memory. "Pleased to meet you, Miss Addams."

"Call me Wednesday."

"Then I'm Jon, that's George and he's Jigger! A friend of Rex's is a friend of the Bureau!"

"Agreed!" Jigger laughed. "I'm pleased to meet the witch Rex described as _great company once you get used to her._ That's how he describes Luna as well."

The Craigs seemed happy enough, but Jean seemed less enthusiastic than usual at meeting someone new. As for Louise, she merely glared at Wednesday.

"Are you alright, Louise?" I asked her.

" _I'm fine, thank you, Rex!_ " she snapped furiously, before stomping off in high dudgeon. _What has got into her?!_

The following morning, I went out for a walk. As I passed a paddock, I saw Linda galloping past on the beautiful golden palomino Chica. Jean was with her, on another horse from the Craig stables.

Once the two had dismounted, I went up to have a chat. "I take it that Doris and Evelyn are caught up with the operatic world?"

"The company is visiting Bayport. There's a husband and wife pair named Joe and Iola Hardy living there, as you know. Neither Louise nor I had the heart to drag our lovebirds from their…"

"Other lovebirds?"

"Exactly Rex."

"Louise seemed – _different_ yesterday," I began cautiously. "She seemed in a bad mood from the time that Wednesday showed up…"

Jean sighed. "About Wednesday. Rex, do you _like_ her?"

"She's a good friend, just like you are, only not quite as close, since I've known you longer. What has _that_ got to do with…?"

Jean sighed again. "You and Wednesday were flirting yesterday. Why is that?"

"Wednesday flirts with _everyone!_ You should see her with the Potters!" _[That was before she really got into competition with Captain Jack Harkness to get the Potters into bed. She won – and married them both! She still flirts incorrigibly with everyone else but is very happily married and would never cheat on Harry and Ginny. RM.]_

"You and she aren't together?"

" _No!_ She's good fun and is pretty in a weird way, but I prefer girls who look as if they may have seen the sun in the last decade!

"What is all this about, Jean?"

"A stupid misunderstanding, Rex. I'm sure that you will both sort this out.

"In the meantime, Linda and I are off for a walk."

"We are, _mi amada_. I am so happy to have you with me again."

"Likewise, darling Linda."

I chuckled as they rode off. _It was almost as if…_

Louise was standing nearby, her face suggesting that she was still in a roof-level bate with me. "Hi, Louise. Was it just me, or were Jean and Linda flirting…?" _[Looking back on it, we were even back then. I like people who can make me laugh._ _She's even better at that than Chris! Those mischievous sparkling dark eyes are sexy! And she looks good in skinny jeans. I'm in love, Sis! JD. I should hope so, dear. You are due to marry her in a couple of months! LM.]_

" _Well, you would know all about that, wouldn't you, Rex!_ " she fired back, angry tears in her eyes. _[I admit that this adventure was not my finest hour! LM. Really?! JD. It wasn't mine either, my darling. RM.]_

My patience finally snapped. " _What is your problem?!_ Wednesday is a _friend_ , like you are…"

"Well, _good for her!_ " At that, Louise ran off, a choked-back cry of anguish in her mouth.

What was going on? Why was Louise so upset with me? _And why were my own eyes moistening?! [Only the pair of you could almost manage a messy break-up over eight years before you got together! JD.]_

Adventures are supposed to be fun. This one – well, is anything but! Louise and I seem to be on the edge of a major quarrel all the time. Everyone else is on eggshells. Poor Wednesday seems to have caused no end of chaos, probably inadvertently.

We were trying to act professionally, but it was not easy. If it wasn't for George or Jigger placing a comforting hand on me a few times, I would probably have made my apologies and taken my leave of California. How had we got into this colossal hoo-ha? I've never been more desperate for things to get back to normal.

"You say this Skunk Ape looks like a stereotypical _Missing Link_?" Jigger asked Bob as we walked to the sheepfold where the dead animals were found. "Does it have any distinguishing features?"

"Looking like an Ape-Man not enough?" I asked facetiously. "You aren't writing its Lonely-Hearts ad, Jig! Five-foot ten, long arms, very hairy and with green eyes…"

George sighed. "Rex, you know that the three of us love you like a brother? Well, _please_ take this advice. You are in enough trouble over the _green-eyed monster already…_ "

" _What?!_ "

" _You_ need to sort this out with Louise, Rex," Jigger told me firmly. "Quite frankly, until you stop acting like _prized specimens of addle-pated clodpolls_ , the two of you are as much use as an unperforated sieve!"

" _Sometimes little boys are very silly!_ " Jon chimed in. "My fellow Lone Piner Mary was right.

"Look, Penny and I decided not to interfere in the relationships of you three. If anything is to develop between two of you or between any of you and someone else, these things tend to happen anyway without encouragement. This time, Rex, take our advice and _speak to Louise now!_

" _A grown man and a grown woman are being very silly. Just talk to her!_ " _[Jon, Jig, George, thank you for the advice and your friendship and love from the bottom of my heart. RM. And from mine. LM.]_

Wednesday saw me as I walked towards Louise and came over, placing a mirror and her wand back in an elegant handbag that probably cost a small fortune. "I have spoken to Luna, _mon vieux_. She has heard of a malodorous Southern species of sasquatch…"

"Speak to us about it, Wednesday," George told her softly. "Rex needs to clear the air with Louise and you talking to him in her eyeline won't help." George touched my arm briefly. "Good luck Rex!"

I walked passed Jean and the Craigs to where Louise was stomping fiercely. "Louise, we need to talk. _I'm sorry if I have offended you, but…_ "

" _If!_ " she snapped, those bewitching soft brown eyes damp. "So, you think apologising is going to make everything right again?!"

"No," I replied honestly, "but… _Crystallised Cheesecakes!_ You have been in a roof-level bate since yesterday.

" _Please_ work with me, Louise. I want to fix whatever is wrong between us…"

Before she could reply, a foul smell seemed to arise from nowhere. A seven-foot tall hominid, covered in thick dark-hair, tore through the foliage. _Terrible timing!_

Jigger went over to do his usual "I'll speak gently while looking softly into your eyes" routine on the latest misunderstood beast. _[His best wizard friend is Rubeus Hagrid… RM.]_ Wednesday, however, did some trick with her wand and gasped – " _The Imperius!_ " A quick counter-spell and a few seconds of Jigger's muggle magic worked their wonders. The Skunk Ape was soon docile.

"If he was under the mind-control curse," I mused to Louise, "there must be a wizard nearby…"

"There's a rustle from over there! Rex let's investigate!"

I should have suggested calling to Wednesday for some magical back-up. At that moment, hearing in Louise's tone something reminiscent of her usual sweet disposition, I was too full of hope that things might be returning to normal to be thinking clearly. The two of us slipped unnoticed after the mage that must have been controlling the sasquatch.

We followed until we ran into a clearing, where a wizard had us at wand point and there were several muggles with shotguns and hunting rifles pointed at us. "Well, what do we have here?"

"We were looking for a Great Skunk Ape. Our friends have hopefully freed him from your control. I must ask why you wanted to use one…"

"The Craigs own that ranch, right over a major shale gas deposit. If we can force them out…"

"We still can! After all, we have two hostages. Take them to the barn and tie them up tightly! I might yet make it the best surprise for our family since our cousin received a letter from Ilvermorny…"

"Well, at least they haven't gagged us," Louise noted, as we sat on a bale of hay, tied together back-to-back. Our wrists and our ankles were also bound. The knots were secure and the ropes thick. We wouldn't be getting free anytime soon.

"It might be better if they had," I sighed. "Every time we speak, we say something to make matters worse. This isn't _us!_ "

"No! Ever since that Francophone floozy showed up…"

" _Wednesday?!_ She's a flirt, I grant you, but she rarely seems to act upon it! Certainly, she's never actually tried to seduce me…"

"How would you describe her in print, Rex? _As beautiful, no doubt…_ "

"Unconventionally pretty, sometimes. I tend to reserve beautiful for ladies surnamed Dana. You are by far the most drop-dead gorgeous woman I have ever met!

"Wait! We've never been an item. But… _Jealousy?!_ "

"I suppose so," Louise sighed. "It's just… We have this connection, Rex. It is stronger than anything I ever had with Ken. At times, I wonder if it is stronger than my bond with Jean.

"Then your friend shows up and is all over you like a rash. I felt that someone was muscling in on my territory, Rex. As you say, we've never been _together_. It's just that I can't figure out what we _are_. I am a detective, Rex! _Not knowing what it is between us is driving me crazy!_ "

I snorted. "Jon told me that the two of us were _being very silly!_ He's right, Louise. All we needed to do was talk and sort this out.

"You are right about this mysterious connection, Louise. I feel it too. If I didn't know better, I would say…"

A familiar voice snarled _"Stupefy!_ " followed by a thud from outside. "Wednesday, we are in here!" I shouted. The barn door shattered at a cry of " _Reducto!_ " and Jon ran in to cut us free with his penknife. "Are you both alright?" he asked.

"I think so, Jon," I smiled. "At least, Louise and I seem to have made up. _I hope!_ "

"We have," Louise said. "Now I need to apologise to Wednesday…"

"No apologies are necessary," Wednesday said firmly. "George told me some things that made me realise that my usual flirtatiousness may have been _misplaced_. Let's start again, _mes amis_ …

"Hi, I'm Wednesday Addams. Pleased to meet you."

"I'm Louise Dana. Pleased to meet you too, Wednesday. I think that we shall be good friends." _[We have indeed been friends ever since. LM. She flirts with both of us simultaneously now! RM.]_

"Well, I need to be returning to MACUSA shortly. I'm glad you were able to make up, _mes amis_."

"So are we!" Louise smiled, slipping her arm around my waist affectionately. "I've got my best male friend back! _Nothing could be better!_ "

Jon sighed. " _Sometimes you both really are quite silly!_ "

Wednesday and Jigger arranged for the Skunk Ape to be relocated by MACUSA Magical Creatures' specialists. He is settling down nicely, apparently. The evil-doers are facing long sentences in no-maj and wizard prisons.

There was a dance in the barn that night. Due to the Craigs' Scottish descent, the local band played a selection of dances from both sides of the Atlantic. It was funny to hear Scotch strathspeys and North East England rants played over here. They even ended with a sing-song, although George, Jon, Jig and I got some funny looks for singing of a dying sailor by the Royal Albion instead of a cowboy in the Streets of Laredo. _[The tune was originally an Irish song about a dying soldier. The Young Sailor Cut Down in his Prime is a version common in England and Scotland. "As I was a-walking down by the Royal Albion/Cold was the morning and dark was the day/When whom should I see but one of my shipmates/All wrapped in fine linen and colder than clay/Then beat the drum slowly and sound the fife merrily/Sound the death march as you carry him along/Take him to the churchyard, fire four volleys o'er him/He were a young sailor, cut down in his prime." I shall spare you the other five verses. Funnily enough, in America the cowboy dies of gunshot wounds. In most British and Irish versions, the lad or lass dies of syphilis… RM.]_

"I hope you can stay for a few more days, partners," Linda called. "We can take you all riding. See what _Chica_ can really do, Jean…"

"Well, we can. What about you four Brits? Can you spare a few more days?"

"I need to get back home," Jigger admitted. "Boko's going on holiday and I need to get back to Ranji and the rest of my furry, feathered and scaled friends."

"Penny and I have a Lone Piner reunion shortly," Jon agreed, "so thank you for the kind offer, but no."

"Dick and Jo can take Timmy for a few more days," George noted, "so I'm staying. What about you, Rex?"

"I'll stay for a few more days too, if I may, please," I said. "Maybe there will be another adventure? One in which Louise and I _don't fall out…_ "


	6. Chapter 6: The Island of Horses

_The Balaska II_ , The Caribbean Seas, Mid-May 2018

"I think I've got it, Daddy!" Harriet's cheery manner is most infectious. Since we rescued her from her brutish gangster father, she seemed to have developed her Auntie Jean's personality. The three of us adore her.

I smiled as she did indeed seem to be getting the hang of the front crawl. Our yacht, a present from the British Government and named after Louise and Jean's late Uncle Ned's passenger steamer _The Balaska_ , has a variety of nasty tricks up her rigging. It also has a small swimming pool on the foredeck that a swimsuit-clad mixed-race six-year-old girl was getting full value from. "Good girl, Harriet!" I replied, hugging her tightly, before helping her out of the pool." Dry yourself off and we can start some lessons later."

"OK, Daddy. Mommy, Auntie Jean, see you soon."

As she dried herself off and began to walk towards her cabin to change, I climbed out of the pool and found my attention drawn to the bikini-clad forms sunbathing nearby. Well, one of the two. My sister-in-law Jean may be an absolute stunner in her own right with a great personality, but she isn't her elder sister. I gave my heart and soul to Louise Dana just over fifty-one years ago. If you know anything about us former young adventurers, then you know that when we give ourselves that completely, we stay given! Our entire culture is based on trust and our words are our bond. It may have taken us over fifty years to realise it, but that mysterious link between us was True Love. As my Lone Piner friends will chorus, loyalty leads to love almost by its very nature. That, I suspect, is why we usually marry in-house and we mate for life.

Having quickly dried myself quickly and still in my swimming trunks, I walked over to my wife's sun lounger. Louise smiled and snuggled up to me as I lay down beside her, before leaning in for a long kiss. "Do you think that there are more adventures in store for us?" she asked, after we had finally come up for air. "After all, our honeymoon has only produced one so far."

"At the moment, Louise darling, the only adventure I want is my new life as a husband and father. If another one comes along, great, but we have a responsibility now. When we started the adoption of Harriet, we undertook to raise her as our own.

" _Crystallised Cheesecakes!_ We are parents, love! That must come first. And it could prove the longest and most rewarding adventure we've ever shared."

"You are right, dearest. I guess we undertook a great responsibility. Well, we never fail when we work together."

"And you have my support!" Jean chimed in. "I love being an auntie! You get all the joy with few of the responsibilities. Harriet is such a sweetie!"

"Jon and Penny have hinted that they might adopt," I mused. "As first cousins as well as husband and wife, they have always been on birth control. I hope they do, as they will be great parents." _[Have you and Linda discussed adoption, Jean? RM. Yes, Rex. We're waiting until the wedding and honeymoon are over to decide. Unless we encounter another child in a similar situation to Harriet, or Bernadette as she was then, we both want to settle into married life first. JD.]_

A light flashed on the doorway to the bridge. Not the red lights that meant a secure call, but the single green one which suggested a personal Skyped contact was being initiated. Putting on bathrobes, the three of us went inside. Opening a concealed panel on the wall, a monitor screen opened elsewhere. "Hello everyone," said Luna over the loudspeakers as she appeared in the monitor screen. "I've been speaking to Zelena Mills by magic mirror and we were wondering about joining you for a couple of hours."

"Sure, Luna," I responded happily. "It is always good to see you both. Come through the portals in the secret room in the keel.

"I assume that Zelena will have Robyn and you the twins, as they should be finishing school for the day about now? If so, the more the merrier."

Normally, we have been giving Harriet lessons in time for her to start school in August. Gomez Addams has established the Serafina Picquery Elementary School on the outskirts of New York for children from magical families – Harriet's late biological mother was a witch and Harriet herself is a suspected squib. Given that the twins are about her age, however, it was decided that socialising with them might be of more use – particularly as I am sure that any rules of spelling and grammar I teach her will be untaught by the school. _[I'm sure you can teach her those weird English spellings out of school. JD. How can English spellings be weird in English?! RM.]_

Louise and I went down into one of the corridors below decks and opened the secret door into the portal room. In addition to four mirrors which could become energy portals to various destinations, there are doors to the fore and aft, leading respectively for the reloading bay for the torpedo tubes and mortar cannons (I said it has some nasty tricks, didn't I?!) and the other to lockers for the deep-sea diving gear and through into a concealed underwater airlock exit. One mirror flashed white and a tall pretty redhead came through, bathrobe over her one-piece swimsuit. She was carrying a very little girl, still only a couple of years old or so. Zelena put down Robyn and pulled first Louise and then me into quick hugs. "Good to see you both again, my pretties!" she announced before reaching back through the portal for a change of clothes and various items for Robyn.

A second mirror flashed and suddenly Luna ushered Lorcan and Lysander on board. "Uncle Rex!" the two boys shouted excitedly. I smiled happily as I stooped to accept my godsons' embraces, before pecking my honorary little sister's cheek. "Good to see you, Sis! Did you bring your swimsuit?"

"Of course, Rex!" she beamed, opening her witch's robes to reveal that she was wearing a red-and-white striped cotton one-piece with sleeves and legs. "What do you think?"

"It is very _you_ , Luna!" I replied diplomatically, as Louise and Zelena somehow managed not to giggle.

"Don't be silly, Rex. Everything I do, say or wear is _very me!_ "

"Sometimes, Luna, I wonder if you realise just how right you are…"

The yacht was sailing through the Caribbean. Jean and Zelena were in the pool with the children, so I could snuggle up to the missus and chat to Luna.

"What's that?" Louise noted. "There seems to be things moving on that island over there. Rex, these islands are supposed to be uninhabited…"

The two of us went into the bridge and used the propeller to get close to the island in question. It was occupied by several thoroughbred racehorses and there were signs that humans were around, albeit none were in sight.

We Skyped SHIELD via the secure channel and they confirmed that the islands were uninhabited, but that there _had_ been a spate of racehorses stolen from the South-Eastern States recently. Many had apparently been turning up in stables in the Middle East. Presumably, they were smuggled by ship to these islands, then by sea or air to the stables of some Emir or Sheikh. They would send a Quinjet to the island as soon as possible. In the meantime, they would be grateful for any assistance.

"What do we do?" Louise asked me. "Should we call in Jigger…?"

I thought for a second. "Well, I'm always glad to see my best friend of course, but why don't we make Jean's day? Both you and she are fine horsewomen and the former Wicked Witch of the West must have been on horseback often enough, but the best in our community is…"

" _Linda Craig!_ Perfect, Rex. We get to spend time with her and Bob. Hopefully, we get to matchmake too!"

We contacted the _Rancho del Sol_. Once Linda and Bob confirmed that they were coming, we went up to the deck. "There may be horse smugglers about, children. We must go downstairs and get changed. Oh, and Jean, we've contacted the _Rancho del Sol_. Bob and Linda are arriving via portal shortly. Can you welcome them for us?"

" _An adventure with Linda?! Neat!_ "

"Who are Bob and Linda, Daddy?" Harriet asked.

"Two old friends of ours, Harriet. Bob's a top mechanic and Linda's the best horsewoman we know. They live on a ranch in South California that we will be visiting soon.

"I think that you will like your Uncle Bob and Auntie Linda. Good sorts, both…"

The familiar tall slender forms of the sandy-haired freckled Bob and the olive-skinned, raven-haired dark-eyed Linda were soon with us. Both were in the usual checked shirts, skinny jeans, riding boots, bandanas and Stetsons. Louise, Jean and I were in checked shirts and jeans, but had left cowboy gear at home. I was wearing a Middlesex County Cricket Club supporter's broad-brimmed sunhat. It's not exactly John Wayne but kept the sun off just as well. _[Why would you even have one of those? JD. I support Middlesex and sometimes need a sunhat. RM. You asked, Sis! LM.]_

"Hi Linda, Bob!" I greeted them. "This is Harriet, whom Louise and I are adopting. Harriet, meet Auntie Linda and Uncle Bob."

"Pleased to meet you both.

"Can I meet your horse please, Auntie Linda? I like animals!"

"You may. My beautiful Chica d'Oro is a golden palomino. She and I have won many prizes together.

"Your parents and Auntie Jean are three of our oldest friends. I believe that you are all coming to the _Rancho del Sol_ to stay with us in a couple of weeks."

"We are indeed. Chica d'Oro is a joy to meet. Golden Girl by name, Golden Girl by nature, that one…"

"Jean, _mi novia_ , an adventure together is always good. Particularly when it involves horses!"

"Linda, _my dearest_ , adventures with you are always _fun…_ "

Hearing my sister-in-law flirt happily with the woman I hope that she will make _my other sister-in-law_ someday is rather sweet. Linda is fun, feisty and competitive, fiercely proud of her Spanish descent and looks. Her first name, by the way, is Rosalinda, but I can't remember hearing anyone ever address her as that. She jokes that her almost telepathic bond with Chica d'Oro is because both are of Hispanic blood.

"Bob, Luna, can you look after the children for us please?" Louise asked. "Zelena, Linda, we could use your help with the horses.

"Wait, we didn't bring riding gear with us…"

"Why don't you contact Doris and Evelyn?" I suggested. "They can get your equipment from the Dana House easily enough. Neither are busy with the opera house and Joe and Iola are on a case in some far-flung exotic location with Frank, Ned and Nancy.

"Actually, I'll bring the rest of the Bureau in as well. There are quite a few horses that we need to get shifted for collection by SHIELD, UNIT, the W.I.N., or whatever organisation is best equipped for the transport of livestock."

"All we need do is round up a few Saddlebreds," Linda proclaimed. "I've been doing that since I was a _chica pequeña_. Weren't you, Rex?"

"Not on the outskirts of London, no, and I was never a _small girl_. Our locality was mysteriously lacking in corrals and haciendas, even in my halcyon days as an inky-fingered schoolboy…"

Whilst I consider myself a reasonable rider, pony-trekking in Dorset or Shropshire isn't a patch on the stunts that Linda can pull off on Chica. She is the best we have for a reason. I would love to see her on a thestral or hippogriff… _[What about a unicorn? JD. You had better organise it fast, Sis, as I assume she won't be a maiden after your wedding night. LM.]_

At any rate, we soon had Doris, Evelyn, George, Jigger, Jon and Penny with us, all arriving via portal. The first two had brought Louise and Jean their riding gear. Now in riding helmets and boots, they, Linda and the other equestrians were wrangling a few nearer more docile noble steeds. Meanwhile, I produced my mobile (another wedding present from the Government) and touched my face on a picture of Jean, Louise and me from late March that is my screensaver. I scanned the relevant finger against the revealed scanner and set _The Balaska II_ 's anti-intruder defences remotely. That done, I joined Jon and Penny in opening pen gates as our gallant equestrians mounted horses and rode them into a pen.

"Everyone," Penny called, "there are men on that hill up there."

"SHIELD is sending a team," I reminded her. "All we have to do is… _Wait! Linda and Jean are on the other side of that hill! Petrified Paintpots!_ "

Linda and Jean had ridden off to round up a few frightened horses higher up the hill. The two rode over the top mere minutes before the men were seen. I tried ringing their mobiles, but there was no answer. By this time, the men were out of eyeshot.

"Presumably, the smugglers have taken them prisoner," Jigger commented unnecessarily.

" _How terrible, my pretties,_ " Zelena commiserated. "Well, as long as they have Hope…"

"Who needs _Hope_ when you have _Loyal Friends_?" Evelyn asked. " _We are their Hope_ , my dear. They know that we are coming to rescue them, because that is what we do."

Zelena started. " _Bloody Hell!_ You almost sounded like refugees from a Land like ours…"

"As far as I know we are native to this one!" Jon replied. "We are not fictional characters…"

"Maybe in some dimensions we are," George mused. "Don't we always say that something compels Dan Robinson to quote Sherlock Holmes or Fred Jones to set _yet another trap?!_ If there was an author writing down our actions unseen…"

"But… _We are real!_ " Doris interjected.

"Harry Potter always says that a wise man told him what happens only in your imagination isn't any less real," I commented. "So, what if we originated in some writer's imagination… _That would explain why these roof-level hoo-has always choose us to happen to! We are the sport-and-play of some writer or writers…_

"You are right, Doris. Even if we are fictional characters brought to life, we are still _real here and now._ Zelena used to be the Wicked Witch of the West – and she is as Real as any of us…

"Now, there are two of our own who need rescuing and we are wasting time discussing whether we are real or not. We should have started the rescue as soon as we found out that they are in trouble. I'll call Luna for additional magical support. It is time to for us to be Jean and Linda's _Hope!_ "

Leaving Doris, Evelyn, Jon and Penny to guard the horses and with Luna having Apparated from the yacht to the corral, we walked to the top of the hill. Neither men, horses or our friends could we see. I put a comforting arm around my wife and spared a thought or few for Bob looking after the children on the yacht. _We'll get them back soon!_

"What's that smell?" Luna asked. "It isn't any potion that I recognise. Could it be some muggle thing?"

" _Chloroform!_ " Louise gasped. "Oh Rex! They have been kidnapped! We must find them _now!_ "

"At the bottom of the hill is an inlet with some sort of boat in it," Jigger pointed out. "It must be the smugglers' craft. We must get to _The Balaska II_ …"

"What about Linda and Jean?" Evelyn demanded. "I know that you think only of animals, Jigger, but our friends are in danger…"

"There's no other source of radial thermal energy that I can detect nearby," I said, checking another of my mobile's functions. "Our friends must be on board! Jigger's right!"

Returning as quickly as we could to the yacht, we caught up with the slower smugglers' vessel. There were horses on the main deck, in a fenced-off area full of hay. Also, in the hay, bound hand and foot with stout rope and gagged with their own bandanas, were Jean and Linda, both still looking groggy from the chloroform. As we neared the familiar shape of a SHIELD Quinjet uncloaked above us.

A couple of the smugglers pointed their guns at the two hapless hostages. An arrow hit the deck and some sort of smoke bomb in the head detonated. Apparently, Clint "Hawkeye" Barton was on the Quinjet, whose boarding ramp was opening in the air as the arrow was fired. A tall willowy redhead in black leather and wearing a gas mask and night-vision goggles dropped from the plane to the deck. It didn't take long for the feared Natasha "Black Widow" Romanov to take down the smugglers, helped by a selection of arrows from her marksman friend in the plane.

We didn't even have to use any of _The Balaska II_ 's firepower. Once Natasha had finished thrashing the smugglers, she freed Jean and Linda from their bonds. It wasn't long until Linda was in Bob's arms and Jean was in a four-way embrace with Louise, Harriet and me. Our friends – nay, _our sisters_ -were back with us. _[Aww, Bro! Family hug! JD. Harriet, darling, come here. Family hug! LM.]_

"So, _mi amada_ ," Linda was saying to Jean, "you said you had something to ask me…?"

"Yes, my darling Linda. You see, we have been _close_ for a long time. And… _And…_ " Jean paused to kiss Linda softly on the lips. "I've wanted to do that for such a long time, _my love_."

"Well, _mi amor_ , we Hispanic girls kiss _like this…!_ " Linda pulled Jean into a prolonged passionate kiss. "I like these questions, _mi amor_!"

"I hadn't asked it! Linda Craig, I love you. Will you be my girlfriend?"

" _Te quiero_ , Jean Dana. _Si!_ "

Once the resulting kiss was finally over, Bob dragged Jean off for the " _Don't hurt her, or else!_ " speech. Louise and I did the same to Linda. Not that our hearts were in it. After all, we both want Jean to be happy. There is only one person on the Earth who can truly fill our sister with love and joy. _[And a month later, Linda took me riding at the Rancho del Sol. Then from the picnic basket afterwards, she produced a priceless family heirloom with a certain question. I said yes, and the heirloom encircles the third finger of my left hand. JD. Aww! LM. You found a rare jewel there, Jean. RM.]_

"And we never really got our swim," Luna noted as our guests returned home via the portals. "It must have been the nargles…"

"Any ideas which Land Luna emerged from?" I asked Zelena.

"I must ask Jefferson. _None I've ever visited, that's for sure!_ "

Luna truly is a one-off, and I wouldn't have her any other way! _[Neither would we! LM.]_

Epilogue: Mid-June 2018, The Dana House, Oak Falls

"Mommy, Daddy, Auntie Jean. What are you all working on?"

"A story, Harriet dear."

"Is it a Fairy Story, Daddy? I love Auntie Zelena!"

"No, darling, although it has one thing in common with one. It has a Happily Ever After, one that was over fifty years in the making… Loyalty, you see, leads to friendship, then kinship and sometimes even to Love…"

As I lifted my daughter onto my lap, I felt my wife and sister-in-law draw in close around us. Yes, _this is Love._

Author's Comments

Thank you to Model Builder for his kind encouragement, help and suggestions. It was his ideas that inspired the suggestion that the Lone Piners, Old Sheldrakians, Danas, Famous Five, Mystery Inc and their fellows aren't native to my Storyverse. Where do they come from? Well, that I don't yet know, but Rex, Louise, Jean and company are on the case.

I hope you enjoyed catching up with old friends and maybe meeting some new ones. Rex's old exercise books have further treasures within – but that is for further collections of stories…


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